Today I am thankful for incredible friends. As most of you know, the last couple of months have been extremely hard on Daniel and I. Between his bipolar diagnosis and my thyroid levels being off, life has been a bit, shall we say... emotional. To top everything off, Daniel's parents sent him a letter that he took as being kicked while he was already down. They went on and on about he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and he needs to stop asking them for financial help.
I "get" it on an intellectual level. I understand that we are adults that need to do the best with what we've got. And we DO work on that. We live modestly and try to put money away for a "rainy day." The truth is savings just didn't cover the expenses we racked up in getting Daniel diagnosed and treated. We spent over $3,000 in doctor's visits alone in the first two months. Mental health care is NOT cheap. Then we found out the cost of the medication- $850 per month. That is IF another doesn't have to be added down the road and IF this combination continues to do it's job. The good news is that at this moment Daniel is stable.
What I don't understand, however, is from an emotional standpoint. Daniel's parents have went so far as to accuse him of bringing the bipolar on himself. They told him they believe the medication is what is making him sick. What?! Really? How could they have missed the suffering he's done all his life? How did they not recognize that their own son was hurting so badly? It tears me up. Then, the letter... basically telling him he is a piece of garbage for needing assistance. They will pray for him, but that is all. Never ONCE did they ask how he is doing. Is he getting better? How are his children? Nope, not interested ONE BIT! My heart hurts for how little Daniel's parents actually care for him. I couldn't imagine feeling this way about my own two children.
This brings me to the part I am thankful for- our friends. Daniel has really formed a tight relationship with a friend of ours who started out as a neighbor when we first lived in this house. I've never seen Daniel trust in a relationship other than our marriage, so this is beautiful. He calls when he needs to talk, he is honest and open with our friend, and he feels comfortable just sitting around without a focus on work or a task. This is a REAL friendship! THIS I am grateful for more than anyone will ever know. I can be a rock for my husband but even a foundation eventually crumbles under too much weight. I am glad there is someone in Daniel's life, and mine, who can share the burden when "stuff" just keeps piling higher and higher.
On the other side of that coin is my friend. It is so awesome that we have a couple as friends. Daniel and I can genuinely enjoy a good time with our friends but also be together. She has never turned her back on me when I needed a different perspective or just to unload. She has cried with us and shared our fears, heartache, and disappointment. She is one of the first to cheer when something good happens in our lives, too. I can count on my friend to bring a fresh perspective or offer a positive outlook, but she doesn't fake it. When it's time to give in to fear and frustration I can yell and cuss without scaring her. She never fails to send me off with a laugh and looking forward to starting again the next day.
Without these friends life would be much different. Ironically I started writing this post Thursday afternoon and by Thursday evening our friends were over here in crisis management mode. Things have really been terrible for Daniel lately with the way he is being treated by his parents, and that sparked an argument of epic proportions between us. Apparently he's not as stable as we had all thought. I hate that I have to lean so heavily on our friends right now, but I am incredibly grateful that there are there.
6 comments:
Some people never get the chance to have friends as good as they are to you both. You are truly blessed. Makes me smile to read your posts and comments amongst all of you - the support is lovely.
I also can't believe that a mother could do that to their own child - sorry but the woman needs a good slap in the ear to wake her up to reality. Makes me want to slap her myself.
Hang in there mate
Thanks Fiona. I appreciate your support, especially through this difficult time. I count you among the friends I'm thankful for, too! You are more than welcome to come do a little slapping any time you wish. They definitely need a reality check.
I do feel for what you and your husband have been going through with both of your illnesses. I am sorry about the treatment that he has gotten from his parents. It would be nice if they were more supportive. If they felt the need not to support or help financially any more, I can see their point but their approach in doing so doesn't lend much to sympathy towards them. I have to say both sides of dealing with mental illness is hard, for those suffering from it and from those who love those who are suffering with it.
For years my now 26 y/o daughter suffered from major depression, psychotic thoughts, suicidal gestures and attempts. I truly tried to help her and get the best help for her and be there for her but it wears on even the strongest person to constantly be baraged with someone's thoughts of suicide, hurting themselves, negativity. Unfortunately I became jaded in how I dealt with her but frankly I was tired and while I was trying to support her and be there for her, no one was there supporting and encouraging me.
We literally had to walk away from her when she took an overdose of pills at home when left alone in a period of time I thought she was "safe". Because when I knew she was suicidal and exhibiting signs of suicide, I watched her like a hawk, never left her alone, she came with us everywhere, etc. But when she did that act and I realized there was nothing I could do to keep her safe unless I watched her 24/7 I knew someone else had to step in who could watch her more closely and "guarantee" her safety. She was over 18 so unfortunately we told her she couldn't come back to live at home and she got committed to a mental hospital until she could be stabilized and then was in group homes. It was a hard thing to do, one of the hardest things I had to do, but I honestly feared for her safety.
I'm not trying to justify what your husband's parents did; its just such a terrible illness to deal with.
I am glad you have friends who are there to support you and your husband.
betty
That is awful, the things Daniel's parents said to him. Bi-polar is a very real disease, just because it is "invisible" does not make it any less real. And you can not bring it on upon yourself.
I hope things get back on track for you!! I found personally that once I had a diagnosis and went to therapy, I began to accept and learn how to live a good life despite having Bi-polar.
First, I am so sorry about Daniel's parents. There is nothing positive to say about this. It is shameful. I hope he can digest the truth--that it is THEIR problem and it has nothing to do with him. It's hard when it's your own parents--but I have been through issues with my mother and through therapy was able to learn how to not personalize the hurtful things she has said to me. I was ready to cut her out of my life but once I learned how to set boundaries with her, our relationship improved immensely.
Second, I agree, TRUE good friends like this are such a blessing!!! Going through my divorce is showing me already who is true blue and who is fair weather...
MA
Thanks for the encouragement MA. Unfortunately setting boundaries with Daniel's parents means that we have had such limited contact with them that they really only speak once a year. It's time for even that to stop as they are cruel and hurtful. That relationship is definitely a toxic one! I'm glad to hear things improved with your mom. That is terrific news!
Yes, it's amazing how friends can scatter during a time of need. It is definitely during the hard times we see who will really hang in there with us.
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