Emotion

Yesterday's "30 Days of Me" post really got me thinking. The idea was to name songs that I like to listen to when I have certain emotions. It was really tough! What got to me, though, was the lack of certain emotions.

One of the challenges was to name a song I listen to when I am sad. I honestly had no idea. I don't actually feel sad too often. I even asked my husband.

"What music do I listen to when I am sad."

"Hmmm.... I don't think I've ever seen you sad."

"Come on. Seriously. I need to post something. What do I listen to when I am sad?"

"I don't know, Karen. You don't usually get sad. You get mad, you get frustrated. You are happy, or you have something you need to fix. But you don't get sad."

So, there you have it. I apparently lack an entire emotion. Daniel is right, though. For the most part, I am either angry or feel like I have a goal to focus on to fix a situation. Rarely do I truly feel sorrow in the sense of the "sit down and cry silently, letting it all out, then feeling better" variety.

As I look back over the past several years there have only been a few times I could really describe myself as sad. During the time I was stuck on the couch being sick with what we thought was nerve damage, there were a few days I was truly sad. Those days were different than the others. The tears seemed to leak out of my body rather than being cried. I would seriously just start feeling moisture on my cheeks and not quite be sure where that came from. This was really only once or twice, though.

There was a time this week when I felt overwhelmed at everything from my own health, to my daughters getting into way too much trouble, to my dad being sick. After I calmed down and processed everything, I was again sad. Much like the other days, I really didn't even realize that I was feeling an emotion when I finally recognized what was happening. I really just wanted to stare at the wall and not think at all, truth be told.

Maybe that's the key. Once in awhile I need to give myself permission to NOT think or do something constantly. My family has told me for years that I need to relax, and I now wonder if I've been running so fast that I don't give myself time to feel. I usually get past whatever is on my mind and move on with life. Perhaps slowing down would allow me to recognize that I do feel sadness.

Daniel chased me around all day, asking me how I felt, then asking what kind of music I wanted to listen to. That's the last time I ask him to help me with a blogging challenge! I'm kidding. It's nice to know that he cares enough to try to help me. It's also nice to have validation that I truly don't have music that I listen to on special occasions. What I've learned most through all of this is that I don't really use music as therapy. I use it for energy. Music gives me what I need to power through a situation and to feel in control. Hey, at least I learned something, right?

I really will be working on relaxing a bit more. I'm going to give myself permission to just sit in the stillness of the morning or evening more often and allow myself to feel whatever it is that comes to me. I don't need to run. I am a strong enough person that I can handle those emotions and still get through a day. If nothing else, the past four months has taught me that much.