Right now I am so overwhelmed and frustrated that I really can't think straight. Having job interviews is a good thing. I know this. Having two in one morning, before going in to teach... that was too much. I have another one scheduled for Tuesday before work, one for Wednesday after work, one for Friday after work, and probably another for Thursday after work. Yes, in many ways I'm excited. In a lot of ways, though, I just want to sit down and let life pass me by. I don't know why this has always been my standard operating procedure when I've had too much, but that's who I am. As I write this (Monday evening) I should be calling my mom to tell her about the day. The idea of picking up the telephone, though, is something I can't handle right now. I often wonder, when I get like this, if there isn't something wrong with me mentally, too. I get frustrated with Daniel and his "dumb" moments; maybe this is my version.
I seriously have tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. I'm tired. I am so incredibly tired that I can't even explain that part. I don't sleep anymore. The doctor, last week, thought it was a medication issue. I've now been off that medication for long enough it should be out of my system, yet on Friday night I slept a total of three hours, and Sunday night it was four. Thank goodness I got in a decent night's sleep on Saturday. I might be bordering on true sleep deprivation if it had not been for that. As it is I am worried that tonight will be another night I spend staring at the wall wondering how I am going to function in the morning.
Oh, today we got some great (sarcastic) news, too. Daniel's doctor had given him a discount card for one of his medications that should have given us a free month. That would have saved us $600. Well, the discount card ONLY works with health insurance, which we don't have. $800 for two medications was put on the credit card today. I don't know what we'll do next month.
Daniel broke down and asked his dad if he could help us out. This is a man, keep in mind, who bought a 104 inch television a couple of years ago. He spent more on the TV than I would even CONSIDER spending on a car. Seriously, I'm not joking. Daniel's parents have pissed away more money than I will ever see in my lifetime. His dad's answer? "Oh, I guess that means you won't be able to pay rent any time soon then." Yes, we live in THEIR house and were getting a killer deal on living arrangements. But, we are not bums. We are doing the best we can. Up until Daniel started seeing the psychiatrist we were doing okay and actually had a plan to increase the amount of rent we were paying. I am so fu**ing sorry that your SON needs help, father-in-law! I am so sorry we are such an inconvenience to you! I think I'd better leave that subject to another post. Maybe I'll calm down a bit before addressing that issue.
So, instead of helping with the dishes and laundry that need to be done I have shut down. I am playing on my computer while Daniel is at his class, and I have no intention of getting up. If the girls weren't here I think I would crawl into bed now. I'm trying, though, for them. I'm trying not to let them know that I am anything more than exhausted and ready to wind down for the night. I really hope one of these interviews turns into a job offer pretty quickly. I'm running out of steam already.