Time to say goodbye

I've put a lot of thought into this decision, and I've decided that I am going to stop writing on this blog. Student teaching, and teaching in general, takes a lot more time that I imagined. I am thinking positively, knowing that I will be teaching in no time at all once I get my certificate in my hand.

Between working and the other responsibilities that I have, I just don't have time to put the research into healthy living that I used to. Posting my running achievements has gotten to feel stale, and that's about all I have time for as far as writing.

So, it's time to say goodbye to my blog. It served the purpose it was meant for. It made me more aware of how I was living, and from the comments I received, I can tell that the blog also made some of the readers think about their food and exercise choices. I hope you all continue on a path to health. I know I will, but it will become more of a background thought than the focus of life for now.

Today is my 36th birthday. I spent an incredible evening with my parents last night, and today I had a FANTASTIC day with my husband and children. I was spoiled like crazy. In a couple of hours I will head out for dinner with a friend. Friends, family, relaxation.... what more can I ask for to make the day special? I am sure that this year will be one of the best. Thank you all, for supporting me and reading my blog. Make your life a healthy and happy one!

Motivation and Roles

My motivation has flown out the window. For the first time in nearly six months, I am just about ready to give up and quit this fight for weight loss. I can honestly see what people mean when they say that Americans are just too busy to eat right and exercise. To some extent that is very true.

As I sit writing this blog post I know I could be out running. I could be in cleaning the bathroom, which is in desperate need of a good scrubbing. I could be playing tag with the girls outside. I could do any of the above if I could just find the motivation. Does this make me lazy? I sure hope not. What it does make me is one exhausted human being.

I am frustrated, thinking about all the days that I dragged myself to the gym in the beginning of this journey. I thought it was tough, then, to exercise on a daily basis. Now I feel like I am exercising all day, then I need to find the last bit of energy to pull out and use for the "real" exercise of running, lifting weights, or whatever it is I could be doing to workout. Going from being a stay-at-home mom to a working woman has been an adjustment that I am just not doing well with.

On a fairly regular basis lately I have burst into tears for what appears to be no reason. No, dropping something on the floor isn't a big deal. What is a big deal is that now I have to bend over to pick it up, which is painful to my back that hurts and my head that aches. What is a big deal is that now I have to clean up the floor from whatever I spilled. That means taking the time that I really didn't have in the first place to get out the mop or the dish rag. What is a big deal is that while I was scrubbing the floor I saw 27 other little chores that need to be done.

Daniel has been fantastic about getting the house in order. Every day he does laundry and dishes. Every day he cooks dinner and helps the girls with their homework. Every day I come home and feel like I am in the way if I try to do something to help. Every day I feel like I haven't done my job, and I haven't cared for my husband and children the way they should be taken care of. I am losing perspective of what my role is in the home.

Student teaching is demanding. On the other hand it is incredibly rewarding. But, my identity has always been defined by who I am at home. Right now I don't feel that I really belong fully in either place. I am not needed at home, really. If I were to disappear I'm not sure it would be noticed. At school, however, the space is not really mine. I am only there temporarily. It is somewhat like unpacking a suitcase at a motel. Why bother? Yes, you need to feel settled, yet you never really do. It's not your dresser or closet.

I don't write this for sympathy. I know that some of what I've felt is irrational, and I won't feel the same once this "blah" feeling goes away. I do write it for any of the readers who may also get down on themselves when they don't exercise. I write this for anyone who ever feels that what you are doing is not good enough.

If you are doing SOMETHING, it is good enough! So you don't always get up at the crack of dawn and exercise like you have told yourself you will. So you don't always choose the perfect breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So you don't give your job 120% today like you are used to doing. Give yourself a break. Know that you are doing the best you can for the moment.

My motivation is completely lacking right now, but it will be back some day. Today just isn't the right time. I am terrified I will gain weight again. Unfortunately, that is more than a possibility. It's a likelihood. Unfortunately, I can't do it all. I need to take my own advice and understand that. As long as I don't lose the drive altogether I'll be okay. My challenge to you: Take some time out to do something YOU love to do. Do it for a minimum of 15 minutes today. Do it again for 15 minutes tomorrow. Don't beat yourself up about doing something for yourself.

Weight loss

When I stepped on the scale yesterday I was excited to see that I was down to 165 pounds. Throughout the day, though, it occurred to me that I was 167 the last time I weighed in. Therefore, I have only lost 2 pounds. It's been a month since I last weighed.

In a lot of ways I was bummed about only losing 2 pounds. I eat right most of the time, and I exercise as much as I can. Yet, it doesn't seem to be enough. Then I got to thinking. This month we spent a week at my parent's house while we were dog-sitting. We purposely didn't keep to as strict a diet because we knew life was going to be hectic as it was. This month Daniel went out of town with my dad, and they experienced some problems that got them back a day later than expected. I didn't eat well during that time, either. This month has been stressful for student teaching. I haven't gotten in as many days of running as I would like.

Overall, it's been a rough couple of weeks. I've decided to celebrate the 2 pounds of weight loss and be glad the scale is still moving in a downward motion. There are going to be plateaus and bumps in the weight-loss journey. I have to remind myself there were weeks at the gym when the scale didn't move at all, then it would shoot down a pound or two over night. Sure, I would have liked to see a 2 pound weight loss in a week instead of a month, but I have to give myself a break at some point.

I do think that I will be going back to a more strict diet, though. It is so easy to say that I will JUST have this ONE candy or handful of chips. It is really easy to say that I will eat something occasionally. Once again, how is occasionally defined? It's really easy to loose perspective of "occasionally." So, starting today I will be staying away from sodas, juice, and alcohol drinks. I won't be drinking calories. It's too easy to lose track of what is being consumed when it's in liquid form. Just dropping those calories should be enough to get the scale moving again.

Physical Limitations (Part 9)

The final type of physical limitation that has been affecting me in the past couple of months is carpel tunnel syndrome. After years of not being an issue, it has popped up again. I was diagnosed with carpel tunnel syndrome when I was 17-years-old. At the time it wasn't a big deal, except when it was.

I know, that doesn't seem to make sense. Anyone who has a chronic illness or injury will understand, though. Some painful conditions are not painful all the time. Carpel tunnel syndrome, at least for me, is this type of condition. Oddly enough, though this is definitely a physical condition, it seems to be affected by stress.

Carpel tunnel syndrome is a repetitive motion injury. It especially affects people who do a lot of keyboarding, and it used to be called the butcher's condition because of the number of hours they spent cutting meat in the same motion day after day. Nobody knows for sure what caused my carpel tunnel syndrome, though it has been said that it could have come from the amount of pressure forced on my wrist in the car accidents. That actually makes sense, since it is mainly my left wrist that is affected.

At any rate, with carpel tunnel syndrome the nerves that run into the wrist are pinched as the surrounding tissue swells. There are times when the swelling is visible, and that is the worst. Twisting my wrist can become especially painful. These last few weeks there have been times when holding a book in my left hand is so painful tears come to my eyes.

This is another reason I haven't been to the gym in the last couple of weeks. Besides being painful, grip strength decreases when the carpel tunnel is acting up. I would not feel comfortable lifting weights at the gym right now. I never know when I am going to drop something when I am in this type of pain, and I would hate to drop a weight on my toe or on my head.

Fortunately this, too, has not been a huge deal in my life. It comes and goes, and I have learned how to live with it. The little things are starting to add up, though. At these moments I get frustrated with myself. For now I am just happy that I am on the right track. I may not be doing as well as I was a couple of months ago, but there have been big changes in my life. I have to make adjustments where I can.

Half-way through student teaching

Today I am half-way through student teaching. In a lot of ways I feel like I just started teaching yesterday. In many other ways I feel like I am ready to have my own classroom now. My mentor teacher has had a few days off because his son is sick, so I've had a great opportunity of running the show, so to speak. There has been a substitute teacher in the room, but I've done all the teaching. The subs kind of sit back and just make sure the class doesn't get too out of control.

Unfortunately our worst behavior problem got even worse without Mr. Hodges in the room. All three days that Mr. Hodges was gone, our behavior guy went to the principal's office. I hate how that makes me look like I can't manage the classroom. I've been assured that it doesn't reflect poorly on me at all, but I can't help but to feel defeated. The other students react to this one boy, and the days just spiral downhill until he is eventually removed from the room. I am mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the day. Heck, I'm exhausted by the end of the first hour if our behavior friend is having a bad day!

There have been awesome moments. I taught a writing lesson that impressed even myself. The work the students produced was incredible. When I got done grading the assignment I sat back and thought, "That was 100% me." I led those little horses to water, and I got them to drink! In the past I have said that this class doesn't put much effort into their work. On this day I must have been able to light a spark because I saw some writing brainstorming that I would have expected to see from from much different children. I can't wait to see what else comes from this writing assignment. The students and I are in for a journey together as this writing assignment will be the biggest one they have ever done- about 10 paragraphs of a realistic fiction story. It will take them two months to complete this assignment. Monday we will start character development, and I am excited!

Student teaching has been wonderful, but today I am a little down because of how hard this week has been. I really do enjoy it, but at the moment it is hard to pull out the good parts. For now, I will leave this entry as it is. I am hoping to give a better update at this time next week. I AM going to be a good teacher. Now I just need to figure out how to believe that in the middle of a class that is falling apart because a 5th grader who is bigger in all ways than I am has thrown himself on floor and is making mooing noises.

Student teaching and health

I am half-way through student teaching. Right now I am frustrated and feeling defeated, but overall I am excited about teaching. This week has been particularly difficult.

One thing I am really noticing is that there just doesn't seem to be any time to exercise or do things for myself. I rarely read any more, and when I do I fall asleep within minutes. This is wearing me down quickly. Going from being a stay-at-home mom to a full time teacher and student has been a rough transition.

I have been getting out to run an average of 2-3 times per week. This is probably pretty good for what my schedule is like, but it doesn't seem like enough to me. I am afraid of gaining weight because I'm just not getting the exercise in that I was before. This society we live in is just not set up for people to get everything done that we should be doing for our health and well-being.

I have approximately 6-8 hours worth of work to get done. I need to do grading, enter the grades into the grade-book program, then worry about lesson planning for next week. I do know that I do more planning than others, but I just don't feel prepared with less than what I do. My mentor teacher continues to say that I go above and beyond what is required, but to me this is what teaching is all about. Bringing in additional material to make the subjects come alive is my way of making learning relevant to the students' lives. I will continue to look for ways to make education fun for the children so they want to come to school every day.

I have not been eating well in the last couple of weeks, either. It is hard to keep up a strict diet when one is always on the run. Daniel has been fantastic, keeping up with the household chores, cooking, and helping the girls with their homework. Dinner is not an issue. Breakfast, on the other hand, is a completely different story. I have always hated eating breakfast, so I have learned to force that meal. When I was staying home it wasn't too bad. I could eat breakfast when I felt like it, and I could split it up into two very small meals. Now that I leave the house at 7 AM, that is not an option. I can't eat again until after 11, so I must eat when I have the opportunity. Granola bars, loaded with sugar, have become the breakfast choice I grab the most. I hate starting the day with a huge dose of sugar, but the thought of eating anything else that early in the day just turns my stomach. It doesn't matter how early I get up, either. It's the same story- eating in the morning is simply unappealing to me.

Lunch is also a struggle. I usually have so much on my mind by the time lunch comes that sitting and eating is the last thing I want to do. I have been known to walk around my classroom with a sandwich in one hand, writing notes on the board with the other hand. Mr. Hodges is constantly encouraging me to slow down and eat, but my brain is moving too fast. Just about the time I get caught up on one thing, I realize there are 50 things I need to do for next week. It wouldn't be so bad in the second year of teaching because I would have read all the text books, but for now I have to read ever word before I teach it.

I'm not complaining- I'm really not. I just feel stressed out and overwhelmed at the moment. Add the discipline problems I've been having in class and I feel like I'm drowning. There's only a few more weeks of student teaching, though, and it will go by quickly. I'll take a couple of weeks off to stay home and enjoy our quiet house, then I'll jump in and start putting in applications for a job. I know I'll sub at the same school I'm student teaching in, and I'll put in sub applications in some of the nearby charter schools. That should keep me busy until I get offered a full-time position.

Student Teaching Evaluation

Today is my second official student teaching observation. I have my formal lesson plan ready to go, and my Ottawa University supervisor will be there at 2:00 this afternoon. She will be watching me present a lesson in social studies.

I am not really extremely nervous about this evaluation. I have been getting more and more comfortable in the classroom. I am somewhat concerned, however, because the students have not been taking to social studies well. They are chatty and just not quite as receptive to learning as they are earlier in the day. We'll see what happens.

Today I am adding a game to our reading and note-taking, so I think it will go pretty well. A couple of the students don't like games, but for the most part the games have gone over well in the past. Today I am going to try a version of tic-tac-toe. The students will get to fill out the appropriate letter if they get an answer to a question correct. The catch is that I will not call on students who have their hands raised. I will be pulling names randomly, so all the students will be held accountable for getting the reading done.

Even though I am only one-third done with student teaching, my supervisor wanted my mid-term evaluation from my mentor teacher today. I guess she is killing two birds with one stone. Mr. Hodges went over my mid-term with me yesterday. I agree with the areas he marked as needing improvement, and I am thrilled with the positive comments he left. A staff member stopped me in the copy room yesterday and told me how highly Mr. Hodges speaks of me. I would love for that to translate into a job offer at the end of student teaching, but I won't get my hopes up too high. I knew going in that the likelihood of a job opening in the middle of the school year was slim.

I'm glad I got a good run in last night. Daniel watched the kids while I ran 2.5 miles. I feel strong and prepared. It's interesting how running can creep into other parts of life. There's a lot to learn from our bodies. Have a great day!

Physical Limitations (Part 8)

Rheumatoid arthritis, Lupus, All in my Head?

I'm not sure when it started, but somewhere along the line I started having some issues with serious fatigue. I thought it was because I was a mother, wife, and business owner. I was doing a lot of activities and handling a lot of stress. At some point, however, I realized that it was more than simply being tired. If it had been appropriate, there were times I could have gotten on the floor in the middle of Wal-Mart and fallen asleep.

I finally talked to a doctor, and after hearing my mom's health history, he was convinced that I have either lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, or both. I didn't want to believe him, though, so I didn't go back to his office. When I brought up the subject a year or so later the second doctor told me he agreed with the first. This time I listened, but I took the doctor's advice. I didn't get tested due to the consequences regarding insurance.

When a third doctor, one I trusted more than any other, mentioned that I was probably following in my mom's footsteps I gave in. I came to realize that I would have to live life a little differently than planned. I started realizing that I may not have the energy other people do. I may need to break plans because I just need to sleep or sit and do nothing. This doesn't make me lazy. It does, however, require that my friends have a bit more understanding with me at times.

My mom found a beautiful way to describe living life with a chronic condition such as arthritis or lupus. It can be found here: www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory. Over the course of many months and years I learned how to figure out which activities would tire me out more. I learned that mentally stressful events could be even more draining than running a marathon for me. Some days I can be energetic and lively until 11:00 at night, and then there are days that by 11:00 in the morning I am done. The big trick was to learn to slow down when I needed to so I could extend that time period if I needed to.

Of all the physical limitations I face, this unknown disorder is the one that effects me the greatest and gives me the most frustration. I will wake up in the morning with every intention of exercising that night. When evening comes, however, there may be no way I can ask my body to perform one more task. I have had many reminders of this since committing to a healthy lifestyle, especially during these weeks of student teaching. It can certainly be annoying, to say the least, to have the mental motivation to exercise but not be able to get the body moving!

I don't know what condition I have, and I may not know for quite some time. The doctors all agree that knowing right now is not important. The tests are expensive, and the results can be hard to pinpoint. I wouldn't be treated with any medication at this time because the symptoms are just not that bad. So, for now, I will continue to live my life with the modifications I have proven to work for me. I am blessed to have a husband who understands and jumps in as needed. My children have come to understand that I can't always do things exactly when they were planned. For the most part, though, I live normally.

As a side note, we have become pretty convinced that my problem is lupus. I have an oddly shaped rash on my neck. It's not in the same spot as the typical chest rash, but it's pretty close, and I've never been accused of being ordinary. The rash comes and goes, and it really does correlate with my stress level. I also have a terribly embarrassing spot that showed up shortly before Andrea was born and has never left. It is the exact size and shape of a hickey, and it is placed just far enough forward on my neck to be annoying. I can't cover it up with my hair, and I have seen people staring at it. No, I am NOT some crazed sex maniac that runs around with a hickey to prove I've been taken! That, too, gets darker the more frazzled I become. Oy.

For now I will keep hoping for enough spoons at the end of the day to catch a good run. I've found that morning running wipes me out too much. I can do the sunrise exercise on the weekends so I can crash in the middle of the day if I need to. When the day comes that I just don't have any more energy left to end the day out on the road, we'll have to figure something else out. I just hope and pray that day is a long time from now. Who knows, maybe my knee will give out first and I'll never have to give in to the exhaustion and frustration of lupus.

Running vs. Gym

I think Daniel and I are both going to wind up being gym drop-outs. We have both decided that we really enjoy running, and we just aren't finding time to hit the gym like we were. Wow, it's hard to have two parents working full time, two children in school, and trying to find time to exercise. It has just been easier for us to strap on running shoes when the mood strikes or as we have time and go out the front door. My workouts can be done in the time it would take to drive to the gym and back.

I definitely don't regret joining the gym, though, and we are keeping our memberships through at least November because of the way the membership is set up. Joining the gym led us to finding something we really enjoy doing. The best thing about it is that we can run as a family. Some days we go out on separate runs, but a lot of days the girls run with us.

It's tough to decide to just give up on the gym, though. Tomorrow I think I may join a class while Daniel is at work. For that reason it's just a really hard choice. Paying the price for a membership seems silly sometimes, but not having the membership is limiting.

Well, I guess for now I don't have to make the choice, and that's a good thing. I have a bit of time to decide. I'd sure love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to leave a comment!

Physical Limitations (Part 7)

It wasn't too long after I got the endometriois diagnosis that I started to gain weight. Out of nowhere I went from a cute little size three to a size 8. I didn't think anything of it, thinking the weight gain was due to the lack of activity in the past several months, and the surgery that allowed the doctor to discover the endometriosis. When I continued up to a size 10 I started to worry.

This weight gain all occurred in a time span of approximately two months. I finally had to admit that a gain of more than 20 pounds in 8 weeks' time seemed a little strange. I made an appointment with the doctor.

After many, many tests the doctor finally decided that he needed to do an exam on my thyroid. Looking back, I'm not quite sure why he didn't start there. Perhaps my recent issues with my reproductive system were throwing him off, too. However, on my mom's side my grandmother, mother, and aunts have hypothyroidism, and on my dad's side there are several family members with the disorder as well. It seems pretty apparent to me that a thyroid test should have been ordered early on.

Sure enough, I was found to have hypothyroidism and was put on medication that I will take for the rest of my life. In a lot of ways having a thyroid disorder is no big deal. It seemed pretty normal to me, having grown up around all sorts of people who took thyroid medication and lived perfectly normal lives. On the other hand, it is amazing how much of our body's functions are regulated by the thyroid gland.

This was the first time ever that I was ashamed of my body and embarrassed. My husband at the time, Brian, told me on more than one occasion that he was no longer attracted to me. I was fat, therefore ugly, and I was just going to turn out to be a lazy bum like his mother. Thanks, dude! I started wearing my shirts untucked and trying to hide from the world.

I can honestly say this medical problem was a turning point for me. I gave up in a lot of ways. Through the car accidents, through the endometriosis, through the surgery for ovarian cysts, I stayed positive and happy. The diagnosis of a thyroid disorder, and the negative attention I got from my husband at the time due to the physical consequences, was the straw that broke the camel's back. As far as I was concerned I was going to be fat for life and that was all there was to it. I had been handed my life-time sentence, and there was no use trying to keep up a good image anymore.

The truth is, I never had to try to be thin before my thyroid gland became in issue. I was naturally thin, and my eating habits seemed to regulate themselves. I recently found out my parents were at one point worried I could be anorexic. I think that is ironic, considering my memories have always been for a love of food. I just didn't have time to eat. I was constantly busy doing this thing or that as a teenager.

With that being said, not all of the weight gain was due to the thyroid problems. As a young adult living in an apartment I couldn't afford, I simply didn't know what to do with myself. My husband didn't like to do the things I was used to doing, such as throwing a ball around, riding bikes, and exploring walking paths nearby. My active, carefree, lifestyle changed to one of sitting around watching movies and occasionally going out to the Moose Lodge with one or both of our sets of parents. In my mind, that's what growing up was all about. It was time to stop playing around and be mature.

If I can pass one piece of advice along to my daughters regarding health and growing up, it would be that maturing doesn't mean giving up play. It simply means that one knows the appropriate time for horsing around and the right time for being serious. On your off time, go for it! Never stop swimming like a fish, riding bikes down hills, and jumping on trampolines until your legs feel like jello. These aren't activities reserved for adults. They are the parts of life that make life enjoyable and keep your body young.

So, while my thyroid gland has decided over the years to work less and less efficiently and my dose has consistently increased, I have recently learned that I can counteract those effects. I have to work harder than a person without a thyroid disorder, but it can be done. I will never loose weight as fast as I would like, but it can be done. The changes of gaining weight back are higher, but I can take steps to make sure that doesn't happen. How? I have to work harder than the average person. I have to increase the intensity of my workouts, I have to increase the number of workouts, and I have to eat a lot less than I would if I didn't have a thyroid disorder. But, it can be done.

Physical Limitations (Part 6)

Warning: This post is extremely personal in nature and deals with issues of reproduction. It is not graphic, but it does discuss women and their unique issues. If you wish not to hear about the part of health that deals with women's bodily functions, you may want to skip this post.

After car accident #2 came car accident #3 and #4. I won't bore you with the details, but in one of them I took another trip to the hospital by ambulance, and it was the same thing all over again. All four accident occurred in the time span of 18 months. I really was a wreck. Fortunately none of the accidents were my fault. To this day I have not received a traffic ticket- knock on wood.

Life went along as normally as it could. By now I was 18 years old and was off exploring life. I was attending college, working, and doing all the things teenagers do. I never thought of myself as being limited, and I honestly didn't think of the warnings from the doctors that I needed to take life a little slower than other people. I was determined to not only prove them wrong, but to forget that I was involved in several car accidents to begin with.

My plan actual worked for several years. When I was 22 I got married to my first husband (more about him in a series on self esteem) and got a job as an office manager at the thrift shop. I would sometimes, though rarely, arrive at 5 AM and stay until 9 PM. I absolutely loved the work, and the hours never phased me. I was also going to school at night (yes, it took me FOREVER to get my associate's degree because I just couldn't decide what I wanted to be when I grew up). After I got married there was a change in management at the thrift store, and I just didn't get along with the new boss. His immature and unprofessional behavior caused me to leave a job I really enjoyed. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

My mom was working for a company called Gold Circuit, and they were looking for a part time assistant for her. I got the job, which eventually turned into full time work. The good thing, though, was that my mom was around for some of the worst and most embarrassing pain I've ever felt.

It all started one day when I was walking through the grocery store with Brian, my husband at the time. From nowhere it felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. It was a sharp enough pain that I gasped for air. I grabbed the shopping cart, paused for a moment, then continued on my way when the pain faded. I didn't do anything about the pain because by the time I got home I had almost forgotten about the incident.

A few weeks later we were at the grocery store again. This time the pain was so intense that I dropped to my knees, becoming short of breath. Brian was embarrassed and urged me to get up, so I stood when I could and continued our shopping. The next day I made an appointment at the doctor's office.

To make a long story short, the doctor could find nothing wrong with me. For months I continued to have pain, sometimes when I was walking, sometimes when I was sitting. Activity or lack of activity didn't seem to make a difference. I had to drop out of my college class because I couldn't sit for the three hours after a day of working. The pain was just too intense, and I just wanted to sleep when I wasn't working. Brian started getting angry with me because I wasn't getting the housework done that I usually took care of. Some days were fine, others were not. The not-so-good days would often end with me kneeling on my bed, rear in the air, rocking back and forth. With a pillow clenched between my teeth I would silently cry so as not to bother Brian and cause him to yell at me that he was tired of hearing it. Many nights I would lie awake for hours wondering where he was after he stormed out of the house because I wasn't being the wife he expected me to be.

Somewhere along the line I started having chest pains. They would come on out of nowhere, and I honestly thought I was having a heart attack each time. The pain was so sharp it felt like a knife was being slid through my body from front to back. Breathing would become shallow and painful. Off I would go to the urgent care, many times from work. Thank goodness I had an understanding boss who had two daughters of his own right around my age. He would find a fellow employee to give me a ride, and off we would go. Fortunately my mom was my direct supervisor, so between the two I had no fear of losing my job due to missed work time. Everyone around me was just as concerned as I was about my health. Everyone, that is, except for Brian. He would only be upset that I lost wages due to my trips to the doctor.

After about four months of this mysterious pain, I had a regular check-up with my "female doctor". During the routine questions I wound up telling her about the pain I had been having and that none of the doctors could find a cause. I could see the wheels turning in her head as she asked the next several questions. After awhile she told me she was going to get my charts from the other doctors, because she wondered if my pain could be pinpointed to a certain time of the month. She completed the exam and told me she also wanted to do an ultrasound because she felt something unusual on one side. So began a whole new series of doctor's visits. Brian would not be joining me- he refused to cross through the doors of an office meant for women.

The ultrasound revealed a large cyst on one of my ovaries, and several smaller ones on the other. Most women actually get cysts on their ovaries at some point in their lives. They can actually resolve themselves for the most part, or never become a problem. My pain, however, was coming from this area of my body, so the doctor brought in a surgeon to consult on my case. It was then I met Dr. Steven Eddy, my favorite OB/ GYN ever. As they looked over my chart from the other doctors and looked at my ultrasound, Dr. Eddy told me he wanted to check for endometriosis while he was removing the large cyst.

The surgery was scheduled, and I was on my way to health once again, right? Well, not quite. Dr. Eddy removed an 11 centimeter chocolate cyst from one ovary. That is approximately the size of an orange. I wish I could say that the name of it was as pleasant as it sounds, but the chocolate refers to the fact that it was filled with blood. So, a cyst the size of an orange, filled with blood, wrapping around my ovary. It was removed, so the pain would be gone, right? Again, not quite. The good news is that there were no cancer cells found on the cyst or the surrounding area.

The bad news is that Dr. Eddy did find A LOT of endometriosis tissue. Endometriosis is when the tissue that is usually shed during menstruation settles or forms in different parts of the body. In my case, he found this tissue all over the place in the areas he could see. He also thought that I may have form some in different parts of my body, possibly even traveling up into my arm and heart area. I know, that sounds gross, right? It feels even grosser now that I know what the pain was. Essentially, every month those cells try to escape the body, as they should during a normal menstrual cycle. These cells don't have a place to go, so they cause pain as they are trying to do their thing. I'm sure there is a much more scientific explanation, but this is the best I can do, not being a doctor. It is also exactly the way it was described to me.

I was put on birth control pills to try to regulate my cycle and make it a little less heavy. The hope was that I would experience less pain. I did get some relief, but not nearly what I had hoped for. The doctor and I had a serious discussion. I could try other treatment options, but each of them had huge chances of causing me to be completely unable to have children. The safest way to approach this problem was to decide how many kids I wanted to have and start getting to it.

I went home and talked to Brian. Before getting married, we had agreed that we wanted to have two children. We were going to start trying to have a family right away after getting married. He, however, had changed his mind and didn't tell me that. For months I had stayed patient, knowing that just being married was an adjustment in itself. With this news, however, I was no longer willing to wait. I explained what the doctor had said, and Brian dropped a bomb. He actually said this works out well because he had decided he didn't want children. What a blow! The biggest goal I wanted for my life was to be a mother. Now, not only was my body letting me down in that area, but my husband was too.

There are many other reasons, but Brian and I wound up divorced not too long after my diagnosis. To make a long story short, I married Daniel in the year 2000, and we had our first beautiful daughter in 2001. Our second came along in 2002. By the time I had the girls I was being told it would be extremely unlikely that I would get pregnant at all. Having Amber proved to be dangerous, and it was a good thing we only planned to have two children. Dr. Eddy suggested taking measures to make sure I didn't have a third.

Endometriosis was a physical limitation that was not only painful but greatly emotional. I knew there were steps I could take to make the pain go away, but the consequence was too great. I wanted to have children, and I kept telling myself the pain wasn't so bad that I couldn't handle it. For the most part, that was true. After the cyst was removed I didn't have anymore episodes like those in the grocery store. The stabbing pains that took my breath away disappeared. I was able to sit for longer periods of time, I was able to walk, and run and do just about anything I wanted.

That is, with the exception of about three days a month. Those days were brutal. I would often wind up in bed by about 8:00 in the evening, having given every bit of energy to get through the day. Pure exhaustion would allow me to slip into a sleep that was not restful but would get me through the next day.

For unknown reasons endometriosis can sometimes be relieved after a woman has her first child. The body seems to get with the program and remember what it is supposed to be doing. The endometrial cells stop forming where they do not belong, and all is well. Fortunately I was one of the ones for whom this was the case. After Andrea was born I dreaded my first period. When it came pain-free I was excited and thankful. Amber was born, and my body continued to work as it should.

There have been a couple of months when the pain has popped up here and there. Never has it been so bad that I couldn't function, though. For once there has been a happy ending to the story. I am fortunate. Some women never get the relief they are looking for, many loose their reproductive organs in an attempt to stop the pain.

Looking at the big picture, endometriosis was a short-lived limitation. It was one that really impacted my life, though. It made me take a hard look at life and how I wanted to live for the next 70 years. I wouldn't say that my first marriage crumbled due to the disorder- far from it. The disorder did, however, force me to communicate my needs and see myself as someone who deserved to see dreams come true.

Back to the Gym

I finally made it back to the gym! It's been 5 weeks since I've been there, but I made it tonight. I was dreading getting on the scale, worried that I had gone back up above 175 pounds. Boy was I surprised! The scale read 167. I had to make Daniel take a look and make sure I was reading it right. I guess the few runs that I have been able to get in have done the job.

I got in a pretty good run on the treadmill tonight. I went 3.1 miles in just under 39 minutes. Incredible! That's a personal record for me, and I was really excited. I am very aware of my knee right now, but there is no pain. I am still protecting it, apparently, because I did feel some pain in my opposite foot where my toes were gripping the ground trying to keep weight off the other leg. I suppose it's time to trust that my knee is okay. Now I just have to convince my feet that I have accurate information!

I've decided I'm not even going to put pressure on myself about the gym. I won't even plan to go there from Monday through Thursday while I'm student teaching. That way I won't get frustrated with myself when I can't get there due to having too much work or too little energy. For now, I will celebrate the little things. I got to the gym today, when I could, and that is worth celebrating.

Student Teaching update

I had my first student teaching evaluation with my university supervisor yesterday. Wow, was I nervous! I gave myself a serious stomach ache and headache because I was so tense. The evaluation went well, though, so I think it may have been worth it. Hopefully I will start calming down when I know there is a formal evaluation. In reality I am being graded every day because my mentor teacher will give me an overall grade at the end of student teaching. I'm very comfortable for the most part, though.

The lesson I had planned for my evaluation was perfect. It was just enough of a blend of fun and education that it kept the kids engaged, and they couldn't wait to participate. I saw more hands raised than usual, so I knew I had picked my lesson well. Since it was fun, it was easy for me to smile throughout.

For this evaluation I was teaching guided reading groups. That means I had a group of 6 or so students at a time, so my instructor got to see my teach the lesson twice in 30 minutes. I taught the groups about onomatopoeias, or words that represent sounds. It was great, because the kids were able to make noise and have fun coming up with sentences using onomatopoeias.

The only negative comment my instructor had after I was done teaching was to watch how many times I say ok. I didn't realize I was repeating that word often, but I was extremely nervous so I don't doubt it. I think I was looking for understanding from the children as well as substituting ok for um. I'll be more aware of that now and in the future. I've really done a great job of cutting out the um and uh, so I'm sure I can get this ok out, too.

My instructor asked for a copy of my lesson plan and asked for permission to use it as an excellent example. She is going to share it with some others in our group who are having a hard time writing lesson plans, and she is going to use it for this semesters students who will be learning to write them. Awesome! This is definitely one to put into my portfolio. I used to wonder why I would spend hours writing a unique lesson plan for my classes when some of my classmates would simply find one on the internet and re-write it for the same grade, and now I know. I am truly proud of my work!

The next evaluation will be in about two weeks, and my instructor will be watching me teach math. I'm not thrilled she picked that subject next, but it will all work out. I have to get good at math some time, anyway!

Well, I'm off to start the last day of the week. I have been exhausted by Fridays, and I didn't sleep well last night. I think we'll hit the gym right after I get home tomorrow, then we'll come home and have a movie night. The chores and errands can wait until tomorrow.

Student Teaching

The big time is finally here. Student teaching has begun, and I am LOVING being in the classroom full time. Teaching really is a calling, and I can tell already I've made the right decision for a career. I can't wait for my first classroom of my own!

I am student teaching in 5th grade. I have experience aiding in Kindergarten and Pre-K, and this is so much different! I really enjoy how I can talk to the students and expect them to understand what I am trying to get across. It is really fun to build on previous learning and to watch the children make connections from one subject area to another.

So far I've been able to help the students work on independent practice, and I've designed a bulletin board. The board is interactive- when students read a book they really like they will fill out a form telling why they recommend it. Eventually I will be able to make a list of treasured books to take with me into my own classroom.

This week I have started picking the class up from lunch and bringing them to the classroom. It sounds like a small duty, but it really is an important part of the teaching day. I've seen classes get really out of control during transitions. This is a chance to enjoy the children while still showing them that I will have expectations for behavior.

I will also be starting to teach reading groups Monday. These are small groups of about 6 students each that will meet for about 10 minutes for a mini-lesson. My mentor teacher thinks this is a natural and comfortable place to start, and I agree. By the end of next week I will be writing the lesson plans in preparation to take over social studies.

I actually took home my work for the first time last night. There was some grading to be done, and my mentor teacher and I split the stack. I got a bit of a taste of what it is like to have grading to do, lesson plans to write, and still needing to get to the grocery store. Thank goodness Daniel is so great at picking up the slack! By the time I got home he had the laundry and dishes done. He grabbed the kids and took them to the grocery store while I cooked dinner and did my "homework." Once I have my own classroom I will be a little more in control of how my time is scheduled, but we will definitely have days like this. I'm confident that our family will adjust and be able to do what needs to be done to help me be an effective and successful teacher.

Today is the official end of week one. Only 11 more classroom weeks to go. I'm exhausted, but I'm definitely not complaining. Every day is more and more exciting, and I am learning more ever week in the classroom than I did in a semester of book learning. This weekend I may just have to schedule myself a nap, though!

Elliptical Machines

http://www.jillianmichaels.com/fitness-and-diet-tips/using-elliptical-machine

I wasn't aware that elliptical machines are easier on the knees than running. I guess that makes sense since the feet never leave the ground when using this machine. I will have to give the elliptical a second chance.

I am still not running, but to be honest I haven't given it a try either. I am really hoping to get to the gym this afternoon. I tried to go yesterday, but when I got there I discovered I had forgotten to pack a t-shirt in my gym back. So I walked right back out since I was in my "teacher" clothes.

This week I started student teaching, so life has been quite different than what I am used to. The schedule is more demanding, and my energy level is not what I'm used to by the end of the day when we normally go to the gym. If I do find I can run I will be taking it slow, giving my knee a chance to feel strong again but also to be sure not to exhaust myself since I'm not used to so much activity.

I have a good feeling I still won't be racing this weekend, though. I teach on a second floor classroom, and we leave the room several time a day. By the afternoon my knee is screaming at me with every step up. Down doesn't hurt anymore at all, though, so that is progress! The first day I walked those stairs, last week while I was helping to set up the classroom, I experienced pain on every step up and down. I wonder if the slow, constant movement is a personal form of physical therapy.

No matter what I'll be giving my knee a test run, either in the gym or on the street tonight. If I don't feel confident for the race I'll go pick up my shirt and be happy I tried. Tomorrow I'll get to yoga and start getting into the groove of exercising again and bearing some weight on that leg. If nothing else, I'll get started on a routine with the elliptical machine. I sure hope this wasn't fate's idea of a good way to get me to expand my horizons and try something new!

TGI Friday's Potato Skins

Did You Know? TGI Friday's Loaded Potato Skins appetizer is like starting your meal with 4 Big Macs (2270 calories!)

This is insane! I would have never guessed how bad this appetizer is for you. I used to eat this as my meal because I really liked the potato skins better than anything else on the menu. Ouch! The worst part about eating this dish as a meal is that there are absolutely no vegetables or fiber to digest. That leaves someone very hungry just a little while down the road.

Even if a family were to share this appetizer, and each person were to have ONE potato skin, it comes out to about 378 calories. That's right: ONE potato skin (there are six per order) is approximately the same calorie count as an entire lunch for me.

I try to eat right around 1800 calories per day. That is broken down into three meals of 400 calories each and three snacks of 200 calories each. If choosing the right foods, this is more than enough food. Some days I don't wind up eating my last snack because I just don't feel the need for it. Healthy eating really is about making wise choices and getting the best bang for your buck to stay full.

* The above information about the TGI Friday potato skins was taken from the Eat This, Not That newsletter.

A Bit of Me- Phobias

A blog I follow, called There's A Book, hosts a weekly post meant to get to know bloggers a bit better. This is my first time participating, but I thought it would be fun. You can check out her original post here: There's A Book.

What is my greatest fear? I would say my fear is not being successful. I am totally afraid that I will get to the end of my life and I will not have done anything great. I want people to have something positive to say about me at my funeral. I don't want them to have to grasp at straws to find something nice to say about me. To be honest, I don't want it to be the traditional.... I want to have been inspiring.

I know I have done great things already. I have been a good wife (not great, but I'm getting better every day) and a good mother. I've been a decent daughter and friend. But.... there is nothing that sets me apart from the others. I'm still looking for that special something.

Maybe this is an unreachable goal. There aren't too many who achieve the success I long for. But, I'm not looking to be rich. I'm not looking to be famous. I just want to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what I was put on this earth to do. I believe each of us has a special role here. We may never know what that is, but I won't stop trying to find out!

What drives you through life? Do you have a special dream you want to achieve? What about your fears? Oh, the other thing I'm afraid of...... scorpions. But that's a whole different story.

Physical Limitations (Part 5)

Car accident #2 came on the heels of the first one. I don't remember the exact time frames, but I think I was still in the physical therapy phase of healing from the first accident when I was in the second one.

I had picked up my boyfriend that morning, and we were driving to school. I have to say... if my parents had just stuck to their rule of not driving to school I would have been in a lot less messes. Kidding. I am totally kidding!

As I approached the school parking lot I turned on my turn signal and started to slow down. Suddenly the sound of brakes filled the car. BANG! Okay, that wasn't us. Good. BANG! Crap, that was us!

I honestly can't say that I remember anything that happened for the next several minutes. The sound of the cars crashing was loud and scary enough. I'm glad I don't remember more. I never did, even on the day of the event.

I do remember looking up to see the school principal standing at the window. He told me to sit tight. The ambulance was on the way. I looked up and saw the tree that I had almost hit just a few feet in front of my car. My car was sitting sideways on the school lawn, and a crowd had gathered.

I've definitely had a guardian angel watching over me throughout my life. All of my situations, while bad, could have been much, much worse. On this day it turned out that the person behind me saw my brake lights and slowed, but the person behind him did not. It was estimated that the car who caused the accident was going 60-70 miles per hour. This was immediately outside a high school, in an area that would have been a 35 mph zone at that time of day. Like I said.... this accident could have been a whole lot worse than it was.

In the distance I heard the wailing sirens of an ambulance and knew they were coming to help me. It was then I started to cry. Help was on the way, and I was relieved, scared, and embarrassed all at the same time. Crowds of students were gathering on the lawn of the school, and I felt like a goldfish in a bowl. I could just tell everyone was staring a talking. The principal insisted that my boyfriend and I stay in the car and sit still without moving.

The paramedics looked me over and asked questions about where I was hurt, previous injuries, and all the typical questions one is asked in a serious accident. This experience was definitely different than the previous one. I think the paramedic asked if I could slide out of the car, I don't know for sure. What I do know is that we discovered I couldn't move my left leg.

The backboard came out at that point. Two paramedics lifted me out of the car and put me flat on the board. My arms were criss-crossed in front of me and a strap was put around them. Another strap was put around my legs. My head was propped up between two stiff wedges, my face looking straight up. I wasn't allowed to move at all. Fortunately everyone around me kept up a constant chatter, letting me know what was happening. They loaded me into the ambulance, and we pulled out of the parking lot with the lights and siren going.

We got to the hospital and for the third time in my life my entire body was inspected. The reason I couldn't move my leg was due to all of the instant swelling in my back. There were, once again, no broken bones. Soft tissue damage was the word of the day. I knew that meant more pain and more work for me, but I felt fortunate. My boyfriend, by the way, was a little shaken up but seemed to be in good condition.

As we were leaving the hospital I realized that I wasn't seeing as clearly as I was used to. I finally figured out that something was missing. I assumed the paramedics had taken my glasses off, so I asked my parents for them. No one knew where my glasses were. We finally went to check the car. They were there, all right. All the way in the hatch back, along with the headband I had been wearing in my hair. Apparently as the car jerked forward and spun around my glasses and hair band fell off and flew all the way into the back. Interesting place for them to be. That made me realize, once again, how lucky I really was. My injuries could have been many times worse.

Upon returning to school I was a minor celebrity for a few days. I had always wanted to be popular, but that wasn't the way I had anticipated getting there! After awhile, the excitement of my car spinning out during its turn and almost hitting a tree (and landing on the school lawn) died down and life resumed its normal pace with me once again disappearing into the shadows. Life also went back to days of pain and frustration that I couldn't do the things I wanted to do.

I include this story in my history of dealing with physical limitations, not because there was anything new or different about this tale, but because it reminds me that I have had a lot more to deal with physically than I give myself credit for. When I get bummed out and can't figure out why my body doesn't work like the other 35-year-olds around me, I realize that I have been through a lot of physical trauma. Over time damage to the body adds up. I've just never wanted to look at this issue as closely as I have been.

It was after this accident that one of the doctors I saw mentioned that I may have a hard time later in life. I may have continued back spasms and other aches and pains in the future. I may even have trouble holding a physically demanding full-time job. The chiropractor I saw when I was done with the doctors agreed. The level of soft tissue damage done to my body over the course of a year would, no doubt, have permanent effects. With the proper chiropractic care, however, I would be able to keep the pain and stiffness under control.

Green Tea

http://www.self.com/fooddiet/blogs/nutritiondata/2010/07/drinking-green-tea-can-help-bu.html

I found the above article about the benefits of green tea. I'm still not sure I believe the claims that green tea is a wonder-drink when it comes to weight loss. I am convinced that it works because the participants are not drinking other calories such as soda and juice.

Either way, tea is a wonderful drink. There is very little to no calories, depending on what tea it is. My whole family is hooked on it, because it is a nice alternative to water but it is just as refreshing and light. We go through about a gallon a day between the four of us. There are so many different flavors, and there are different options for the caffeine level.

If you are looking to break a soda habit, give iced tea a try. My mom likes to mix in a bit of fruit juice to give the tea a bit of a sweetened kick. A delicious sugar-free juice can give your tea an entirely different taste and texture.

What is your favorite tea? Do you like it best hot or cold?

Physical Limitations (Part 4)

I've been focusing on other writing and have been avoiding this post. I realized that this one makes me angry. I have a hard time with people sometimes. I don't do well with excuses, and I don't do well with one person thinking they are more important than others. Both of those are part of this story, and I just don't understand it, even now. This was a HUGE turning point in my life. When asked if I could turn back time to any day, I think my answer would be the day before this one.

When I was 16 years old I got my driver's license. I didn't get it the day I turned 16 like many of my friends. I actually had to wait three months. Three weeks later I was wishing I could give it back!

On this one out-of-the-ordinary day, I drove to school. My friend Greg needed a ride home because his car was in the shop. Greg had given me rides many times and we were good friends, so I said yes without a second thought. His house was only two miles away from mine, anyway. I did call and let my parents know I would be making a side trip, which was the family rule.

One thing you may need to know is that I learned how to drive in fairly heavy traffic, compared to many parts of the country. The main roads in the area I live are set up in straight blocks, each a mile apart. Most of them have two or three lanes going in each direction with a turning lane in the middle. The smaller, neighborhood roads, are typical for subdivisions. One lane in each direction, with a speed limit of 25.

After I dropped Greg off I traveled through his neighborhood and went to the main street. There I had to wait for a surge of cars to pass. I was driving a manual transmission car, and I wasn't quite as confident in pulling out as I am now. I wasn't a bad driver; just a cautious one. I had only had my license for 3 weeks. So, while wave after wave of cars passed, I waited for my chance to make a safe transition onto the main road.

BAM! The car behind me had hit mine. I sat still for a second, trying to take in what had happened. Finally, I turned off the car and got out. The lady who had hit me was already out of her car, talking and waving her arms. "You're fine, you're fine," she said. "Look there's no damage. I've got to go."

Fortunately a classmate of mine had driven up behind the lady, and he had seen her car hit mine. He also got out and said to the lady, "No, it is not fine. We need to have the police come and write a report. I will drive to the pay phone on the corner and call them." This was in the days before everyone had a cell phone, so we all had to wait for Doug to get to the phone and call the police. I got back in my car and sat because I didn't know what else to do. I was feeling achy and shaken up, but I thought it was just nerves.

When the police officer arrived the woman started yelling about how stupid Doug and I had been. She said that her son was missing out on his soccer game because she was trying to get his cleats to him and we were wasting her time. She insisted that there were no problems, so she shouldn't have to be put through this mess for a little mistake. The officer explained to her that she was being irrational and that Doug and I had both done the right things. He praised us for keeping our heads together during an intense time, and he wrote the woman the tickets she had earned.

By the time the officer was done with his job and told us we were allowed to go on our way, I was starting to feel pain in my neck, back, and wrist. I didn't know what to do because both my mom and dad were at work, and there were no phones around to call them. I did what came naturally and drove myself to our family doctor's office. He was just down the road, only half a mile away and on my way home. Throughout this even I had been calm- right up until the point I saw familiar faces I knew could help me.

The receptionist asked how he could help me, and I told him I had just been in a car accident. My parents didn't yet know, and I wasn't feeling well. Thank goodness we had been going to that office for quite some time, and the files held all the phone numbers the receptionist needed to contact my mom. She must have approved treatment over the phone because the receptionist took me straight back to a room and my mom met me there.

For the second time in my life I went through the process of having what seemed like every bone in my body x-rayed. The first time was after a physical attack in junior high school; I'll tell you about that in my series about negative impacts on my body image. From head to toe, the x-ray technician took pictures of every part of my body that was hurting. By this point I was feeling general pain everywhere.

I don't know all the technical diagnoses, but the bottom line was that I was a mess. Fortunately there were no broken bones and no damage that really showed on the outside. But, a lot of my muscles were in spasm and I did have a diagnosis of whiplash. Let me tell you, those cervical collars are NOT comfortable!

Sitting at school was a horrendous experience. I really couldn't sit comfortably for an hour at a time in the desk so I would sometimes stand in the back of the room. During one class I would sit on the floor after the teacher was done lecturing. For a girl who already had trouble being different, this was not a pleasant experience. But, my parents had always taught me to do what I needed to do to get through life and to make the best of it. With their support and the understanding of my teachers we made it work. My grades didn't drop, and life was pretty normal.

Pretty normal, that is, except for the three times a week physical therapy sessions. I would go back to the same doctor's office and meet with a physical therapist to regain strength in my muscles. Actually, a lot of those exercises are the same ones I do in the gym today. At one point I was strong enough to only go to physical therapy once a week, but my pain was still there. I was almost constantly in pain of some sort, from some body part or another.

After 8 months of physical therapy my dad said enough was enough. He had been seeing a chiropractor and decided to take me there to see if I could get some relief. I started off seeing the chiropractor a couple of times per week. This felt like a set-back to me, and I was frustrated and angry about having to give up my time. Within weeks, however, we were noticing some improvements. I was able to sit at my desk at school without fidgeting. I wasn't getting as many headaches. My appointments were gradually reduced to once a week, then once every couple of weeks. FINALLY, I was feeling like a normal person again! I was running, jumping, and playing like I had been almost a year earlier, pain free and not thinking about being injured.

Believe it or not, the worst part of this ordeal was not the fact that I had to spend a lot of time in doctor's offices, it was not even that every day I felt pain. The worst part was that I had missed yet another year of softball. The softball try-outs were scheduled for the day AFTER my car accident. What bad luck, what bad timing. I have now come to the conclusion that I simply wasn't meant to play softball. God, the Fates, my Guardian Angel, whatever it is you believe in, must have had other plans for me. I sure wish I knew what those plans were... I haven't figured that part out yet.

One lady was in a hurry to bring her son his soccer cleats. She thought I "should" have been merging into traffic, so she acted on that judgement. She didn't think through the next moment, and she didn't care how her actions impacted a young life. Yes, this was a very minor crash I was involved in. The consequences, however, were far from minor.

We all make mistakes, I get that. We need to own up to those mistakes, though. The woman who hit my car yelled at me for several minutes, telling me how terrible a driver I was and asking how stupid my parents were to let me be out driving alone. For 19 years I wonder if she could be right. I've hated driving since that day, and I still get tense when pulling out into traffic.

Today I've decided to take back the power I gave the lady in the car. She doesn't get to be a defining part of my life anymore. I will always feel some of the physical pain she caused. I got confirmation of that this week. I don't have to let the mental pain go along with that, though. I can be happy for the days I CAN run and jump pain-free. The other days.... I'll find something else to do. I've always liked reading and can always use some rest.

Setbacks

http://www.self.com/magazine/blogs/lucysblog/2010/07/setbacks.html

I can't tell you how frustrated I was getting with my bum knee.... until I read this article. The training partners I just read about are an inspiration. Even elite athletes not only have setbacks but get down about them, too. The difference is that after taking a bit of time to pout, they find ways to work around their setbacks.

I just thought I would share this article with you. Maybe there is something you needed motivation to get past today. I'm going to take this frustrating circumstance with my knee and use it to my advantage. My daughters go back to school next week. Without taking time out to go workout until Saturday I will have that much more time to spend with them and get all the little errands done that I may have put off.

The Truth About Sugar

http://www.self.com/fooddiet/blogs/eatlikeme/2010/07/you-asked-aboutsugar.html

I loved this article about sugar. I like the way the author does not make sugar a demon, but she gives the readers some ideas to think about.

When I first started eating healthier I tried to stay away from all added sugar. I quickly realized how unrealistic that was and limited my sugar intake from various sources. Again, I went a little on the extreme side there, but I needed to for me. I needed to get a kick in the rear to see exactly how much sugar I was eating on a regular basis.

Now I pay attention to how much added sugar I am eating, but I don't necessarily go crazy about it. For example, this morning I had dark chocolate covered cherries for my morning snack. Of course there was a TON more sugar in that snack that I usually had, but I've been pretty good about eating lately and felt that I could substitute a treat for a healthy snack today.

Being healthy is definitely a balancing act. Too many times of "just this once" can lead to a downward spiral. On the other hand, never enjoying your food is a dangerous path as well. The key, which I think this article points out well, is to be aware of what we are eating and to make choices every time we choose a food.

How do you judge the amount of "bad" choices you are making? Do you have a plan for each meal, day, or week? How do you make sure to balance the bad with the good?

Reading- Tuesday Teaser

Part of being healthy is taking time to have hobbies and activities you enjoy. For me, reading has been a part of relaxation since I can remember. I don't have a book blog because this one takes as much time as I can devote, but I do follow several book blogs. I wanted to participate in this activity posted here: http://shouldbereading.wordpress.com/

The idea is to post a couple of teaser sentences from the book you are currently reading. The title of my book is "One Season of Sunshine," and the author is Julia London. It is a rare book for me, because it is considered a romance. The plot seemed fun, though, and I was looking for something light, so I decided to give it a try.

Here we go:

From page 224- Asher sounded rushed. "What's up?"

So, what are you reading today? Is reading an activity that keeps your mind healthy? If not, what hobbies do you do that are just for your enjoyment?

A wonderful reminder

"Don't be concerned with what you can't do. Work on what you can do - then count your blessings." -Alan Robinson, 56-year-old partially paralyzed marathon runner

The last week has been frustrating for me. I am working with a knee injury that comes and goes. I've actually had this pain off and on since I hurt it in a softball accident around 8th or 9th grade. It was one of the injuries that required me to hobble around on crutches for a few weeks. I had torn the ligament that runs along the inside of my knee, and the pain starts about 4 inches above and goes the same distance below my knee cap. As I have grown up the pain flares every once in awhile.

I haven't learned yet which pains and sores to work through and which to give into and give my body a rest. Unfortunately I think this one is telling me to get off my feet. ARGH! It's a good thing that my gym has a swimming pool, and there is a pool in my complex I can use. If worse comes to worse I can do some swimming (which is NOT my favorite activity) to be sure to get my cardio workouts in. Maybe I can get this over with by Saturday if I actually give in now. I love running on Saturdays because this has become the day I run with other people. I don't want to miss out on that!

So, today I am focusing on the fact that I can swim if I need to. I am focusing on the fact that I have learned not to use this setback as an excuse NOT to get back on my feet soon. I am focusing on the fact that I CAN run on most days (which actually comes as somewhat of a surprise, as I will reveal in my Physical Limitations series).

What is it that you CAN do?

Weight loss mistakes

http://running.about.com/od/runningandweightloss/ss/commonweightlossmistakes.htm

This was a GREAT article that lists some common weight loss mistakes. I could relate to every one of the seven mistakes listed. Read the article and see if you are making some common mistakes, too.

Number one especially stood out for me. I have watched The Biggest Loser and Losing It with Jillian Michaels, and I enjoy the shows. I think it is wonderful to see people making positive changes for themselves and finding their "a-ha" moments. However, they can be quite frustrating for someone trying to lose weight.

The thing about the weight loss shows is that these people are getting paid, essentially, to work out every day and dedicate their lives to weight loss for a period of time. Here in the real world we can't quite do that. As the article points out, I'm not sure it is even healthy do to that. These shows talk up life-style change, but they aren't really living it. They are just an extended version of a fad diet and/ or exercise craze.

I have steadily lost a pound a week since going to the gym. When I saw my doctor before starting my new lifestyle he told me that with all of my medical conditions he would be really excited about a loss of a pound a week. I vowed that I would show him that I could do better, but I guess he knows me and the functions of my disorders pretty well! You know what, though? I'm okay with losing a pound a week. It's certainly better than the way the scale WAS moving!

Which of these common mistakes speaks the most to you? Is there something you can change today to start moving in a more healthy direction? Let me know if you would like me to address any of them in future blog posts. I'm definitely not an expert, but like I said before, I can relate to each of these. I can share my story with you, you can share your story with the readers as well, and we can all learn from one another.

Physical Limitations (Part 3)

My high school gym teacher had seen me play softball for the leagues I had been playing for, and she asked me to try out for the school team. Not too many sophomore students make the team, so if the coach was asking me to try out I knew I had a shot. I was so excited that I couldn't sleep the night before, and staying in my seat during class the day of try-outs was murder.

That afternoon, stepping onto the high school softball field was like a scene from a movie. I looked around like this was all new to me, and I could actually visualize myself dressed in the Dobson High School softball uniform. I was going to be part of a "real" team! I knew I had to run harder, throw more accurately, and catch like I had never caught before in order to make the team. The other girls were not only a year ahead of me in school, but I had started Kindergarten early, so I was young for being a sophomore. Many of the girls I was competing with were a full two or three years older than me.

Warming up went well, and I was feeling great. My nerves were finally starting to settle, and I was getting into the groove. All of this was no big deal; I could handle anything. My body had been conditioned for working hard, and at this point it was my mental game that was going to make or break me. The first skill I was assigned to show off was fielding grounders. The coach was hitting balls, and we were expected to catch it and throw to first base. Nice and simple. Something I had done a thousand times.

On the first ball I was going after I heard the crack of the bat, got my glove low, and moved into a perfect squat position. Dang, that ball is coming FAST! As the ball hit my glove I knew something wasn't right. SMACK! Cupping my throwing hand over the ball as it landed in my glove, I grabbed it and threw it to the first baseman. Then I turned around, put my gloved hand into the opposite arm pit, bit my lip, and refused to let the tears escape my eyes.

"Lockinger, what's up?" the coach called out.

"Nothing, I'm fine," I replied.

"That's not true, and we all know it. Come over here and tell me what's wrong."

I don't know exactly how it happened. I don't know if my glove wasn't on all the way or if it was just a fluke, but when the ball hit my glove one of my fingers bent back. By the time the coach talked me into taking my glove off and showing it to her, my entire finger was turning black and blue and was incredibly swollen. I begged the coach to let me keep playing, but there was no way she would allow that. My parents were called, and I was taken to the doctor. I don't remember the official diagnosis, but I remember the result. No softball for the remainder of the season. My first shot at playing on a team that could lead to college was gone in a heartbeat.

Tearing up my hand was probably the worst injury to date, simply because I was lost in terms of exercise. I couldn't play with my net because I couldn't use my hand to field the returned balls, I couldn't do my gymnastics exercises on the trampoline because I used my hands for balance. I could still run and jump and use my lower body all I wanted, but I got frustrated that I couldn't do exactly what I wanted to do.

Looking back I can see, even then, the stubborn streak I had. If I couldn't do what I had in mind, I simply wouldn't do anything. Ten years later that would turn out to be a really big problem, and ten more years later that attitude is something I still struggle with. But... I am getting ahead of myself. It's important to remember, though, that even something so small in the grand scheme of things threw me off course. I can honestly say this is where I saw a turning point in my life.

My dreams seemed to be shattered, so I started looking for something else to replace my interest in softball. The attention I got from boys started to replace the positive feelings I got from playing ball. I was starting to get comments about various body parts, and the few girl friends I had were reading in the magazines and telling me how to best show off our assets. My body image and self esteem no longer came from how I could perform physically but from how many rumors I heard about which boys found me cute.

The next year was pretty typical in the life of a high school girl. My hand healed just fine, and I forgot all about missing the softball season. The next challenge, though, would be one that I would not adjust to so easily.

Favorite fruits

http://www.active.com/nutrition/Articles/The_Diet_Detective__Favorite_Fruits.htm?cmp=18-24&utm_source=sendible&utm_medium=feed

I came across this wonderful article today and thought I would share. I really like the nutrition facts on the watermelon and cantaloupe. Yum! Most fruits and vegetables I do not worry about as far as how much I am eating. I consider them my "free" foods because of the nutrition I am getting from them and they are fairly low calorie.

I do wind up eating fruits and vegetables based on what is on sale from week to week. I really like them all and don't have an exact favorite anymore. What is your favorite fruit?

Physical Limitations (Part 2)

Moving to Arizona was tough for me, but softball was one constant that bridged my old life and new. A baseball diamond is the same size and shape from one part of the country to another, and a softball diamond isn't much different, so the park was one place I felt at home. I didn't have many friends, and to be honest I didn't like many of the girls I met when we first moved to Arizona. I didn't fit in (something I will address in a future blog series), but on the field we were all there for a common purpose and dressed the same. I could be myself and enjoy activity without worrying about being an outcast.

The sport got more competitive as I grew up, and it took more effort to stay on the top. Year after year, though, I was invited to join additional teams and was voted for the All-Stars. There was no question in my mind that I had talent and ability. In this one small section of life I didn't have to worry about what was being said about me and who thought what. It simply didn't matter to me. I did my best, and my best was enough to make me special.

Softball was the first time I learned about working out, and I spent a lot of time practicing. During the season I had mandatory practice times, but off-season it was up to me to continue building my skills. I had a net set up in the backyard that would throw the ball back to me. I could practice fly balls, grounders, and line drives depending on where I threw the ball on the net. In the front yard I had an exercise trampoline. I would jump on the trampoline and use it as a spring board for various gymnastics moves. It was no wonder that I had strong legs and arms.

My favorite piece of equipment, however, was the portable tape player I carried around from one yard to the other. I made a tape of songs that I would exercise to, and I played it over and over. To this day those songs inspire me to move. Our muscles really do have a memory. My poor husband must have thought I was nuts when John Fogerty's "Centerfield" came on the radio and my right arm started "throwing" a ball. Man, did I want to put on a glove and grab a ball!

There were a few injuries during those years that were more than minor. There were several trips to the hospital for x-rays, and my parents should possibly have bought stock in the Ace bandage company. Sprained ankles and a torn ligament in my knee caused me to get pretty good at getting around with crutches stuck in my arm pits. All in all I wasn't slowed down for long, and it was never difficult to get back into a routine that included exercise.

Perhaps the scariest injury during those years was the day I lost my eye-sight for several hours. I had been practicing fielding grounders on the infield and had dragged my glove through the freshly laid white dust. Not thinking anything about it, I moved to catching fly balls in the next rotation. My glove was positioned directly above my eyes, and when the first fly ball landed a puff of powder coated my face. I instantly dropped to the ground, head in my hands.

I don't remember who carried me off the field, but my family got me in the car for another trip to the emergency room. Looking back on it, knowing I can see just fine now, I can laugh. At the time, though, it was not funny. My brother apparently thought it was, though. He kept holding up his fingers and saying, "How many fingers am I holding up?" The terrifying part is that I honestly had NO idea. None. The only thing I could see was the shadows from the street lights as my dad drove under them.

I knew that injury was pretty serious when the hospital didn't have an emergency bed open, but they started treating me in the hallway right away. Great big cups were placed in both of my eyes and saline solution was pushed through. By the time my eyes were done being flushed, my shirt was soaked and I was freezing cold. I was also embarrassed because people were walking by, and I could only imagine they were starting at me. At 15 years old I didn't quite comprehend that people staring at me was the least of my worries, especially when dealing with my eye-sight. I was still invincible in my own mind. I had every confidence the doctors, nurses, and most importantly, my parents, wouldn't let anything bad happen to me that would be long-term.

Fortunately, this time, I was right. After my eyes were flushed and eye specialist looked at my eyes and determined that I had hundreds of tiny little cuts on my cornea. Apparently, whatever was used to mark the lines on the field is not a good thing to get in your eyes. I was sent home with special eye drops and instructions to wear sunglasses at all times, inside and outside.

My first glance at what it would be like to have a life-changing disability was fortunately pretty short-lived. I was only "blind" for a matter of hours, and within a week I was back to normal for the most part. It took a long time to get over being sensitive to the light, but I could see, and that was really all that mattered. As soon as possible I was back out playing softball.

My hugely disappointing injury came just a few months later. You'll have to wait until next time to hear that story, though. Until then... thanks for sharing my junior high years!

A great way to find more blogs to follow!

It's a Social Parade! Do you enjoy following blogs of all types? Check this out to find MORE of what you may be looking for.

Physical Limitations- A Side Note

Before I continue my story I want to remind readers that diving into the past can be a very emotional process. I have been reading a lot about the natural progression of a person serious about losing weight and changing lifestyle. A lot of what I have read mentions that one key to losing weight is looking into WHY and HOW the person got heavy to begin with. Letting go of the weight can mean letting go of some of the past as well.

I thought that was a bunch of bunk until I started coming up with all sorts of feelings and memories that I didn't understand. Why would I think of that particular moment now, in the middle of a 4 mile run, I wondered. I realized that this road I have been traveling is all connected. I didn't leave certain happenings behind. These memories are the things that have made me who I am today.

Apparently I am ready to leave some of the issues behind, to shed them with the weight I've been holding onto for protection. I am ready to be the best me I can be again. Along the way I lost that somewhere- the willingness to go to battle for myself. I started to blindly accept the negative aspects of my life rather than fight through and come out a winner. I started being okay with doctors telling me I "may" never do this or that. As you will see, in my younger years I did everything I could to prove those ideas wrong. I used the anger towards my limitations in a good way. I didn't give in. I'm back there again. I'm not giving in. I hope to live another 60 years, at least. Those years are going to be lived on my terms- in good health, in good spirits, and with a strong mind.

I say this as a side note to my physical limitations series because I know what is coming. The stories I am about to share can be quite personal. Some of these stories are bringing back the same anxiety and fear they originally held. Some of the stories bring smiles and laughter. Basically, over the last couple of weeks I have been riding an emotional roller coaster as I think about where I have been and where I am going. I just wanted to warn you to buckle up and hold on tight! The following posts may not be as positive as what you've come to expect on my blog. But.... they are part of me and part of my journey. Thank you for sticking around (especially if this is your second time around with some of these issues).