Physical Limitations (Part 8)

Rheumatoid arthritis, Lupus, All in my Head?

I'm not sure when it started, but somewhere along the line I started having some issues with serious fatigue. I thought it was because I was a mother, wife, and business owner. I was doing a lot of activities and handling a lot of stress. At some point, however, I realized that it was more than simply being tired. If it had been appropriate, there were times I could have gotten on the floor in the middle of Wal-Mart and fallen asleep.

I finally talked to a doctor, and after hearing my mom's health history, he was convinced that I have either lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, or both. I didn't want to believe him, though, so I didn't go back to his office. When I brought up the subject a year or so later the second doctor told me he agreed with the first. This time I listened, but I took the doctor's advice. I didn't get tested due to the consequences regarding insurance.

When a third doctor, one I trusted more than any other, mentioned that I was probably following in my mom's footsteps I gave in. I came to realize that I would have to live life a little differently than planned. I started realizing that I may not have the energy other people do. I may need to break plans because I just need to sleep or sit and do nothing. This doesn't make me lazy. It does, however, require that my friends have a bit more understanding with me at times.

My mom found a beautiful way to describe living life with a chronic condition such as arthritis or lupus. It can be found here: www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory. Over the course of many months and years I learned how to figure out which activities would tire me out more. I learned that mentally stressful events could be even more draining than running a marathon for me. Some days I can be energetic and lively until 11:00 at night, and then there are days that by 11:00 in the morning I am done. The big trick was to learn to slow down when I needed to so I could extend that time period if I needed to.

Of all the physical limitations I face, this unknown disorder is the one that effects me the greatest and gives me the most frustration. I will wake up in the morning with every intention of exercising that night. When evening comes, however, there may be no way I can ask my body to perform one more task. I have had many reminders of this since committing to a healthy lifestyle, especially during these weeks of student teaching. It can certainly be annoying, to say the least, to have the mental motivation to exercise but not be able to get the body moving!

I don't know what condition I have, and I may not know for quite some time. The doctors all agree that knowing right now is not important. The tests are expensive, and the results can be hard to pinpoint. I wouldn't be treated with any medication at this time because the symptoms are just not that bad. So, for now, I will continue to live my life with the modifications I have proven to work for me. I am blessed to have a husband who understands and jumps in as needed. My children have come to understand that I can't always do things exactly when they were planned. For the most part, though, I live normally.

As a side note, we have become pretty convinced that my problem is lupus. I have an oddly shaped rash on my neck. It's not in the same spot as the typical chest rash, but it's pretty close, and I've never been accused of being ordinary. The rash comes and goes, and it really does correlate with my stress level. I also have a terribly embarrassing spot that showed up shortly before Andrea was born and has never left. It is the exact size and shape of a hickey, and it is placed just far enough forward on my neck to be annoying. I can't cover it up with my hair, and I have seen people staring at it. No, I am NOT some crazed sex maniac that runs around with a hickey to prove I've been taken! That, too, gets darker the more frazzled I become. Oy.

For now I will keep hoping for enough spoons at the end of the day to catch a good run. I've found that morning running wipes me out too much. I can do the sunrise exercise on the weekends so I can crash in the middle of the day if I need to. When the day comes that I just don't have any more energy left to end the day out on the road, we'll have to figure something else out. I just hope and pray that day is a long time from now. Who knows, maybe my knee will give out first and I'll never have to give in to the exhaustion and frustration of lupus.