Warning: This post is extremely personal in nature and deals with issues of reproduction. It is not graphic, but it does discuss women and their unique issues. If you wish not to hear about the part of health that deals with women's bodily functions, you may want to skip this post.
After car accident #2 came car accident #3 and #4. I won't bore you with the details, but in one of them I took another trip to the hospital by ambulance, and it was the same thing all over again. All four accident occurred in the time span of 18 months. I really was a wreck. Fortunately none of the accidents were my fault. To this day I have not received a traffic ticket- knock on wood.
Life went along as normally as it could. By now I was 18 years old and was off exploring life. I was attending college, working, and doing all the things teenagers do. I never thought of myself as being limited, and I honestly didn't think of the warnings from the doctors that I needed to take life a little slower than other people. I was determined to not only prove them wrong, but to forget that I was involved in several car accidents to begin with.
My plan actual worked for several years. When I was 22 I got married to my first husband (more about him in a series on self esteem) and got a job as an office manager at the thrift shop. I would sometimes, though rarely, arrive at 5 AM and stay until 9 PM. I absolutely loved the work, and the hours never phased me. I was also going to school at night (yes, it took me FOREVER to get my associate's degree because I just couldn't decide what I wanted to be when I grew up). After I got married there was a change in management at the thrift store, and I just didn't get along with the new boss. His immature and unprofessional behavior caused me to leave a job I really enjoyed. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
My mom was working for a company called Gold Circuit, and they were looking for a part time assistant for her. I got the job, which eventually turned into full time work. The good thing, though, was that my mom was around for some of the worst and most embarrassing pain I've ever felt.
It all started one day when I was walking through the grocery store with Brian, my husband at the time. From nowhere it felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. It was a sharp enough pain that I gasped for air. I grabbed the shopping cart, paused for a moment, then continued on my way when the pain faded. I didn't do anything about the pain because by the time I got home I had almost forgotten about the incident.
A few weeks later we were at the grocery store again. This time the pain was so intense that I dropped to my knees, becoming short of breath. Brian was embarrassed and urged me to get up, so I stood when I could and continued our shopping. The next day I made an appointment at the doctor's office.
To make a long story short, the doctor could find nothing wrong with me. For months I continued to have pain, sometimes when I was walking, sometimes when I was sitting. Activity or lack of activity didn't seem to make a difference. I had to drop out of my college class because I couldn't sit for the three hours after a day of working. The pain was just too intense, and I just wanted to sleep when I wasn't working. Brian started getting angry with me because I wasn't getting the housework done that I usually took care of. Some days were fine, others were not. The not-so-good days would often end with me kneeling on my bed, rear in the air, rocking back and forth. With a pillow clenched between my teeth I would silently cry so as not to bother Brian and cause him to yell at me that he was tired of hearing it. Many nights I would lie awake for hours wondering where he was after he stormed out of the house because I wasn't being the wife he expected me to be.
Somewhere along the line I started having chest pains. They would come on out of nowhere, and I honestly thought I was having a heart attack each time. The pain was so sharp it felt like a knife was being slid through my body from front to back. Breathing would become shallow and painful. Off I would go to the urgent care, many times from work. Thank goodness I had an understanding boss who had two daughters of his own right around my age. He would find a fellow employee to give me a ride, and off we would go. Fortunately my mom was my direct supervisor, so between the two I had no fear of losing my job due to missed work time. Everyone around me was just as concerned as I was about my health. Everyone, that is, except for Brian. He would only be upset that I lost wages due to my trips to the doctor.
After about four months of this mysterious pain, I had a regular check-up with my "female doctor". During the routine questions I wound up telling her about the pain I had been having and that none of the doctors could find a cause. I could see the wheels turning in her head as she asked the next several questions. After awhile she told me she was going to get my charts from the other doctors, because she wondered if my pain could be pinpointed to a certain time of the month. She completed the exam and told me she also wanted to do an ultrasound because she felt something unusual on one side. So began a whole new series of doctor's visits. Brian would not be joining me- he refused to cross through the doors of an office meant for women.
The ultrasound revealed a large cyst on one of my ovaries, and several smaller ones on the other. Most women actually get cysts on their ovaries at some point in their lives. They can actually resolve themselves for the most part, or never become a problem. My pain, however, was coming from this area of my body, so the doctor brought in a surgeon to consult on my case. It was then I met Dr. Steven Eddy, my favorite OB/ GYN ever. As they looked over my chart from the other doctors and looked at my ultrasound, Dr. Eddy told me he wanted to check for endometriosis while he was removing the large cyst.
The surgery was scheduled, and I was on my way to health once again, right? Well, not quite. Dr. Eddy removed an 11 centimeter chocolate cyst from one ovary. That is approximately the size of an orange. I wish I could say that the name of it was as pleasant as it sounds, but the chocolate refers to the fact that it was filled with blood. So, a cyst the size of an orange, filled with blood, wrapping around my ovary. It was removed, so the pain would be gone, right? Again, not quite. The good news is that there were no cancer cells found on the cyst or the surrounding area.
The bad news is that Dr. Eddy did find A LOT of endometriosis tissue. Endometriosis is when the tissue that is usually shed during menstruation settles or forms in different parts of the body. In my case, he found this tissue all over the place in the areas he could see. He also thought that I may have form some in different parts of my body, possibly even traveling up into my arm and heart area. I know, that sounds gross, right? It feels even grosser now that I know what the pain was. Essentially, every month those cells try to escape the body, as they should during a normal menstrual cycle. These cells don't have a place to go, so they cause pain as they are trying to do their thing. I'm sure there is a much more scientific explanation, but this is the best I can do, not being a doctor. It is also exactly the way it was described to me.
I was put on birth control pills to try to regulate my cycle and make it a little less heavy. The hope was that I would experience less pain. I did get some relief, but not nearly what I had hoped for. The doctor and I had a serious discussion. I could try other treatment options, but each of them had huge chances of causing me to be completely unable to have children. The safest way to approach this problem was to decide how many kids I wanted to have and start getting to it.
I went home and talked to Brian. Before getting married, we had agreed that we wanted to have two children. We were going to start trying to have a family right away after getting married. He, however, had changed his mind and didn't tell me that. For months I had stayed patient, knowing that just being married was an adjustment in itself. With this news, however, I was no longer willing to wait. I explained what the doctor had said, and Brian dropped a bomb. He actually said this works out well because he had decided he didn't want children. What a blow! The biggest goal I wanted for my life was to be a mother. Now, not only was my body letting me down in that area, but my husband was too.
There are many other reasons, but Brian and I wound up divorced not too long after my diagnosis. To make a long story short, I married Daniel in the year 2000, and we had our first beautiful daughter in 2001. Our second came along in 2002. By the time I had the girls I was being told it would be extremely unlikely that I would get pregnant at all. Having Amber proved to be dangerous, and it was a good thing we only planned to have two children. Dr. Eddy suggested taking measures to make sure I didn't have a third.
Endometriosis was a physical limitation that was not only painful but greatly emotional. I knew there were steps I could take to make the pain go away, but the consequence was too great. I wanted to have children, and I kept telling myself the pain wasn't so bad that I couldn't handle it. For the most part, that was true. After the cyst was removed I didn't have anymore episodes like those in the grocery store. The stabbing pains that took my breath away disappeared. I was able to sit for longer periods of time, I was able to walk, and run and do just about anything I wanted.
That is, with the exception of about three days a month. Those days were brutal. I would often wind up in bed by about 8:00 in the evening, having given every bit of energy to get through the day. Pure exhaustion would allow me to slip into a sleep that was not restful but would get me through the next day.
For unknown reasons endometriosis can sometimes be relieved after a woman has her first child. The body seems to get with the program and remember what it is supposed to be doing. The endometrial cells stop forming where they do not belong, and all is well. Fortunately I was one of the ones for whom this was the case. After Andrea was born I dreaded my first period. When it came pain-free I was excited and thankful. Amber was born, and my body continued to work as it should.
There have been a couple of months when the pain has popped up here and there. Never has it been so bad that I couldn't function, though. For once there has been a happy ending to the story. I am fortunate. Some women never get the relief they are looking for, many loose their reproductive organs in an attempt to stop the pain.
Looking at the big picture, endometriosis was a short-lived limitation. It was one that really impacted my life, though. It made me take a hard look at life and how I wanted to live for the next 70 years. I wouldn't say that my first marriage crumbled due to the disorder- far from it. The disorder did, however, force me to communicate my needs and see myself as someone who deserved to see dreams come true.