Musing Mondays- May 28

This week’s musing asks…
If you come across an unfamiliar word, do you stop and look it up right away?


I have to admit that I rarely look up unfamiliar words.  I know... this is terrible for a language arts teacher to do.  I definitely don't practice what I preach.  Here's the thing- I don't read for detail.  I read for the story.  Most of the time if I am reading a book I am engaged enough that I just don't want to stop and pull out a dictionary.  I just keep going and get the idea of what's happening.  I figure that's okay, too.  We teach vocabulary through context clues as well.  See, I'm really not lazy!  ;-)

Follow Friday- May 25

This week’s statements:

1.       After a long day, I like to hang out with my family and watch TV.  I'll admit it, I am NOT the type of parent who limits screen time.  My family LOVES our electronics, and I will freely admit that.  We do a lot of family activities, though, so I don't feel bad for that hour on Sundays when we are each off in our own world enjoying our internet time.  ANYWAY... back to the original question.  We usually only have time to catch up on our favorite shows a couple times a week (thank goodness for Hulu).  After a long day at work it is nice to come home and relax.  The best part is that our favorite shows are also ones the kids like, so we don't have any complaints or arguments about what we are going to see.

2.       Vinegar is my favorite cleaning product.  I love how shiny and clean things look after being wiped down with vinegar.  It works really well for most surfaces, too.  I still haven't found a product that works reliably on the soap scum in my shower, but I'll forgive the vinegar for that.  It is a great fabric softener, too!

3.       I can’t stand to watch people acting stupid.  I used to LOVE shows like "America's Funniest Home Videos."  There are only so many crotch shots a person can handle seeing in a lifetime, though, and I have reached my limit.  Why is it funny to see people get hurt or to be stupid.  This usually goes hand-in-hand.  Stupid kid riding his bike on a roof, falls off, NOT funny!  

4.       I want to throw a softball around when I hear certain music.  When I was in junior high and the first couple years of high school I was obsessed with softball.  If I wasn't at practice or playing in games I was outside playing with my net that threw the ball back to me so I didn't have to have a partner.  My other favorite companion during this time was a boom box that I could drag outside.  Ah, the perfect combination for a young athlete!  I had a tape (this was before the days of CDs) filled with songs that made me want to move.  It's amazing how those same songs get me itching to move to this day.  "Centerfield" is one that I just can't sit still if I hear.  I want to throw a ball something awful.  I keep saying I'm going to get a net for our backyard, but I never do.  I think I'm afraid that the memories will be better if they stay tucked away instead of trying to relive a life that in my mind was beautiful.

Between

Picture and Prompt Credit

To tell the truth there is nothing I want in life that I don't already have.  Except for ONE thing.  The ONLY thing I want right now is a job offer.  What stands in my way?  Time.  I am confident I am going to get a job.  With the number of interviews I've been on I'd better.  I'll really feel terrible about myself if I don't get an offer SOMEWHERE!  So, for now it's all about patience, something I don't have a whole lot of lately.  Apparently this is a lesson I need to learn.  Okay, Universe, I get it!  I'll slow down and wait for you to catch up.

School

This week's prompt that I'm choosing to write about is "What about school do you miss the least?"  I can honestly say that I get to think about this on a daily basis.  Between teaching middle school students and having two pre-teen daughters of my own, I get constant reminders of what life was like as a student.
I loved school itself.  I have always been driven by new knowledge, and as a high school student I averaged a novel a day for reading.  I once went to school with a 104 degree fever (I never told my parents I was sick until the next day) simply because I had a history test I didn't want to miss.  My parents insisted I take a full course load in my senior year because it was free education, and I didn't put up much of a fight.  I had two classes I was required to take and four electives.  School was FUN with criminology, mythology, and psychology on my plate.  Academics were never the problem.
There was, however, that pesky little issue of relationships.  I just didn't know how to connect with people.  Oh, I have some friends I still talk to on Facebook that I've known since "the good old days," but I never felt like I was truly one of the crowd.  I always seemed to be on the fringes of each group I hung out with.  Maybe this is another example of my constant need for new experiences.  One day I would hang with my stoner friends, the next day my Mormon friends, and the day after that my ROTC friends.  Each fulfilled a need that was unique.  The problem was that I never really formed those deep friendships movies are made of.  I always felt like no one TRULY understood me.  
My daughters are experiencing this now.  They make a friend, hang out for awhile, then somehow the couple just loses interest.  Both girls have had friends "break up" with them because they are "weird."  I just don't "get it" myself.  I think my girls are fantastic.  I would love to have friends that are as generous and honest and caring as they are.  Fortunately today I do.  
I've seen this in my classroom all year long.  Friendships just don't seem to be as fulfilling as they should be.  I'm beginning to think that we aren't truly ready to be a good friend until we've experienced life.  When we've fallen flat on our faces ourselves we know much better how to help someone else up.  Until then we just laugh uncomfortably, not knowing really what else to do. 
What I don't miss about school is how out of place I felt.  I don't miss the in-between stages, not nearly an adult, yet far from being a kid.  I don't miss wondering if I was going to grow up to be a person I liked.  By the way, I did- grow up to be a person I like this is.  I'm proud of who I am today.

Five Question Friday- May 25

1. Are you a napper?
Before this week I would have told you no.  When my thyroid medication is off, though, and stress starts beating down on me, the tables turn.  It seems like all I want to do is nap right now.  After not sleeping for weeks on end, I'll take this, though.  I think my body is trying to get back in balance.


2. What was your favorite subject in school? Most hated?

My favorite subject was anything having to do with language arts.  I loved to read, to write, and to share that with others.  Math was definitely my most hated.  It's funny those are my most and least favorite to teach now.  I guess not much has changed in the 20 years since I left high school.

3. Did you have the something old new borrowed and blue at your wedding? What were they?
I remember having these things, but I don't remember for sure what they were.  I think I had my old shoes on (Daniel and I got married at the Grand Canyon Deer Farm with jeans and t-shirts on).  My outfit was new, and my mother-in-law gave me a new handkerchief to put in my pocket.  I also borrowed a stand of pearls.  The outfit sounds incredibly goofy now that I describe it here, but it was actually a lot of fun and pretty cute.  For my something blue my mother-in-law made a veil that had blue in it.  It's too bad I don't have wedding pictures saved on my computer.  One of these days I'll have to scan one and share it.  My wedding ceremony was a hoot with the deer eating my flowers.

4. What one thing are you determined to do this summer?
I am determined to find a teaching job and start planning for next school year.  As I suspect every teacher desires, I want to start dreaming about my next group of students.  What kind of projects are we going to do?  How am I going to handle grading and missing assignments this year compared to last?  I have a million ideas running around in my head, but I have to find out where I will be working and with what age group before I can really start putting thoughts together.

5. Ice cream or Popsicles?
ICE CREAM!  Enough said.

One Year From Now

Picture and Prompt Credit

I've answered this question so many times in various prompts, and my answer is always the same:  Who knows?  Seriously, one thing I've learned about life is that it is constantly changing.  For me, though I have hopes and dreams, I roll with the punches as they come.  I try not to let life's speed bumps devastate me.  The only way to do that is to be aware that while we have plans, the universe doesn't always agree with those thoughts.  Adjust and readjust as needed.

Last week I was given a perfect example of this idea.  Daniel and I were at our friends' house and we had all just planned to go clean out my classroom that night instead of waiting for the next morning as originally planned.  Our friend had to run his daughter to a party quickly, then we would all leave to work in the classroom.  Lo and behold, our friend calls minutes later to let us know the car has broken down.  Instead of working in my classroom, the men spent the next couple of hours fixing the car.  I could have been upset by this, but we just came up with a new idea for getting the classroom done.

You HAVE to be able to take a different path than planned.  Life is full of detours, and sometimes you never do get back to the original road.  This is a good thing.  I have NO idea where I will be next year.  I hope that we will be a lot more stable and comfortable, but if not, we'll get through that too.

3000 Miles

Prompt and Picture Credit

Wow, I cannot even imagine moving 3000 miles away!  Daniel and I said years ago that we are pretty much "stuck" here in the Phoenix, Arizona area.  Neither of us has any desire to go elsewhere, and we have both grown up here. 

I think what I would miss most is how I can hop in my car at any time of the year and drive away without warming up the car.  I visited Woodstock, IL (my birthplace and where I spent the first ten years of my life) when I was 18 with the intention of moving there.  Within days I knew that wasn't the place for me.  Who wants to shovel snow for an hour before leaving the driveway?  (Sorry to all of you who do, it just isn't for me.)  Here, even in the coldest of weather, I can be on the road within minutes of stepping out my front door.  

Who Am I?

Photo and Prompt Credit

I am a woman who wears many hats.

Okay, we should all know by now that I can't just stop at one sentence.  Essentially, though, the different roles I play in life define who I am.  I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a teacher, a friend, and so much more.  Each of these roles have one thing in common. I am a loving and caring human being who enjoys helping when I can. I hope the people around me benefit from my actions.  It may not always seem like I care (especially in the eyes of my children and students sometimes), but everything I do is with the best interest of those I love in mind.

Saying Goodbye

Today is my last day of school.  My first year of teaching is done.  Saying goodbye has never been easy for me.  As a teacher this is one of the realities I knew would hit me every year as a group of students move on.  This year is particularly difficult because I wasn't prepared to be moving on myself.  I had envisioned having half of my students (my current 5th graders) return next year and seeing the other half in the hallways as they started their junior high school days.

As I was reflecting on the year I began by wondering if I had taught this group of children anything at all.  In fact, as we were having class wrap-up discussions one boy even said he hadn't learned anything in social studies.  That's a bunch of hooey, and I know it.  I think he's just a 6th grader who doesn't want to admit he worked hard.  I saw incredible growth in this child, especially in the last month.

I realized, though, that I wasn't too worried about how much social studies the kids learned.  Sure, I hope they picked up on some concepts.  To be honest, though, I really hope I taught them skills they can take with them for a lifetime.  I hope they learned that a person can be honest yet kind.  I hope they learned that the amount of effort put into a project has a direct effect on the outcome.  Be it a grade or just a matter of pride, effort really does matter.  I could list dozens of ideas I hope my students have learned.  THESE are the important parts of teaching in my opinion.  It is what drove me to be a teacher.

Here is a poem I wrote the other day that I hope captures my thoughts:

Tonight I remembered exactly why I teach...
A thought that lately has seemed so out of reach.
In this time of stress and worry,
Testing, homework, hurry, hurry, hurry
Tonight, though, I remember why I teach.

It's about the whole child, never just a part
It's not about their brains, their grades, their abilities
It's all about what's in their hearts.

Now we move along, each on our own path
And as we part they should know that this is not an end...
It is just the start.
I hope I taught them well-
Not just history but the things that really matter.
Only time will tell.

To my students I now say goodbye
(Yes, it's said with a sigh-
You've noticed that every time we've had to part).
Go out there and capture the life's best.
I've given you the tools..
It's up to you to do the rest!

What Do You Want To Be Known For?

Photo and Prompt Credit

Whenever I have answered this question in the past I have pictured my funeral and what I imagine people will say about me when I am gone.  What do I want to be known for?  I hope, in the end, that people remember my generosity of spirit.  I have always wanted to help people to be the best they could be.  I hope, especially in the case of my children, that I have this type of influence.  I don't need to be famous or rich.  I don't even have to be great.  I just want to be a positive light for those who I come in contact with.

Stupid

I can be really, really stupid sometimes.  I swear it feels like I am trying to sabotage myself.  Today I did something that I regret in one way but am proud of in another.

The job I was offered yesterday was for a position I'm not technically qualified for yet.  The school was going to pay for the exam to get me qualified, and I am certainly willing to study for it and work toward that goal.  I took the practice test, though, and I honestly don't think I could pass the actual exam.  I just don't have enough education in the field of upper grades history.  I'm not good with names, dates, and specifics.  I don't teach that way, either.  I think the big picture is more important.  The rest can be found on the internet, frankly.

In the name of honesty I emailed the principal this morning and told him that I am concerned about my ability to pass the test.  I asked if I could please be considered for the elementary position I was originally called in to interview for.  His answer was that he needed some time to think about it.  I probably just killed my chances to actually have a job in place.

I'm frustrated with myself.  When will I learn that giving too much information is a bad thing?  I'm too stinking open sometimes.  I really hold myself back because of it.  I could have just charged ahead and let fate take control.  Instead I had to try to be comfortable and secure.  I should have just kept my stupid mouth shut.

On the other hand I'm proud of myself.  I am able to recognize my limitations.  I am always willing to challenge and stretch myself, but I'm also pretty self-aware.  I'm not going to put myself in a position where I can be accused of lying or making myself out to be something I'm not.  Yeah, I'm a first year teacher with little experience.  Given a chance, though, I'll knock your socks off with what I have to offer.  I just need to be given that opportunity.

I'm so stupidly confused right now.  I was so danged excited last night, and now I'm bummed.  I had a second interview this afternoon with the place I really liked Monday.  It went okay, but it didn't seem as positive as it did earlier in the week.  They said they will "get in touch with me."  Maybe I should just go deliver pizzas for a living.

Employment

I've got a job for next school year!  I am so super excited.  What a relief this one bit of news is.

I will be working in the same district I am now, but at a different school.  It's a bit farther away, but the drive really won't be too bad, and in the Phoenix area it's pretty common to have a 30 minute commute.  Since I'll be going to work earlier in the morning the drive really shouldn't be too bad.

The position won't be much of a stretch from what I did this year.  I am moving up to 6th and 7th grade social studies and adding language arts for the same age group.  The school is even going to pay for my test to become highly qualified in middle grades social studies.  I already have that endorsement for language arts, so I will be adding to my resume.  I really can't turn that down, especially since someone else will be paying the expense!

Another really great part of all this is that I should be teaching summer school as well.  This will give me an excellent opportunity to get to know some of the students, the teachers, and the school in general before starting the school year in full force.  This is a great way to get my feet wet in my new surroundings and to plan my classroom design.  School ends this Friday and I will have a week off before starting summer school.  I really can't wait.

Life has been a roller coaster for our family in the past few months.  This really feels like a new beginning.  It was devastating to find out I won't be staying on at my old school, but I'm actually thrilled with this news.  I get to try something new with the grade levels, and I get to fulfill my dream of teaching both social studies and language arts.  I really couldn't have asked for more.

Motivator

Prompt and Photo Credit

The number one motivator in my life right now is getting our family healthy and on the right track.  Not only is that the motivation for every decision I am making, but it is the entire focus of life.  It is time for life to start looking the way I had always imagined.  The really cool part.....?  I actually do get to live my dream life.  Who would have ever thought that was possible?  How many people get to honestly say that?

Daniel is on the path to health, I am as close to being healed as I am going to get, and now we are in a "new chapter of life" (as Daniel's psychiatrist described it Saturday).  We are learning how to handle day-to-day issues in the way responsible woulds without the lens of depression or hypomania (or in my case trying to balance these views and still face life as part of a couple who is married and needing to make decisions together).  We have a LONG road ahead of readjusting.  We've always kind of lived in a reactive state because we were constantly readjusting to Daniel's mood swings.  Now we can actually make plans, follow routines, and have expectations for stability.

Overwhelmed

Right now I am so overwhelmed and frustrated that I really can't think straight.  Having job interviews is a good thing.  I know this.  Having two in one morning,  before going in to teach... that was too much.  I have another one scheduled for Tuesday before work, one for Wednesday after work, one for Friday after work, and probably another for Thursday after work.  Yes, in many ways I'm excited.  In a lot of ways, though, I just want to sit down and let life pass me by.  I don't know why this has always been my standard operating procedure when I've had too much, but that's who I am.  As I write this (Monday evening) I should be calling my mom to tell her about the day.  The idea of picking up the telephone, though, is something I can't handle right now.  I often wonder, when I get like this, if there isn't something wrong with me mentally, too.  I get frustrated with Daniel and his "dumb" moments; maybe this is my version.

I seriously have tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.  I'm tired.  I am so incredibly tired that I can't even explain that part.  I don't sleep anymore.  The doctor, last week, thought it was a medication issue.  I've now been off that medication for long enough it should be out of my system, yet on Friday night I slept a total of three hours, and Sunday night it was four.  Thank goodness I got in a decent night's sleep on Saturday.  I might be bordering on true sleep deprivation if it had not been for that.  As it is I am worried that tonight will be another night I spend staring at the wall wondering how I am going to function in the morning.

Oh, today we got some great (sarcastic) news, too.  Daniel's doctor had given him a discount card for one of his medications that should have given us a free month.  That would have saved us $600.  Well, the discount card ONLY works with health insurance, which we don't have.  $800 for two medications was put on the credit card today.  I don't know what we'll do next month.

Daniel broke down and asked his dad if he could help us out.  This is a man, keep in mind, who bought a 104 inch television a couple of years ago.  He spent more on the TV than I would even CONSIDER spending on a car.  Seriously, I'm not joking.  Daniel's parents have pissed away more money than I will ever see in my lifetime.  His dad's answer?  "Oh, I guess that means you won't be able to pay rent any time soon then."  Yes, we live in THEIR house and were getting a killer deal on living arrangements.  But, we are not bums.  We are doing the best we can.  Up until Daniel started seeing the psychiatrist we were doing okay and actually had a plan to increase the amount of rent we were paying.  I am so fu**ing sorry that your SON needs help, father-in-law!  I am so sorry we are such an inconvenience to you!  I think I'd better leave that subject to another post.  Maybe I'll calm down a bit before addressing that issue.

So, instead of helping with the dishes and laundry that need to be done I have shut down.  I am playing on my computer while Daniel is at his class, and I have no intention of getting up.  If the girls weren't here I think I would crawl into bed now.  I'm trying, though, for them.  I'm trying not to let them know that I am anything more than exhausted and ready to wind down for the night.  I really hope one of these interviews turns into a job offer pretty quickly.  I'm running out of steam already.

Friendship Friday- May 18

Question(s) Of The Week:
What’s your favorite way to spend the weekend?
I don't really have a favorite way to spend the weekend, but there are a few routines I've enjoyed, especially recently.  Daniel has been up and out of bed well before 7 AM lately, and I am completely taking advantage of that.  We usually have our grocery shopping done and the food put away before our girls are even out of bed.  We can get straight to the other errands as soon as the libraries open at 10 AM.  We are usually done with our weekend chores before lunch Saturday afternoon.  I have LOVED that!

Do you have anything special planned for this weekend?
Well, the weekend is over since I am writing this late, but it was a good one.  Saturday morning Daniel and two of our great friends helped me clean out my classroom of my personal furniture and belongings.  We then spent the weekend reintegrating my classroom furniture into our home.  It was like a huge shopping spree for our home! 

Sunday we spent the afternoon with my mom, going to the local community college to see a planetarium show about the eclipse.  We got to have dinner with my parents before coming home to wind down for the week ahead.  

The other great part... the couple who helped us clean out my classroom took the girls for Friday and Saturday nights so Daniel and I were able to relax, make plans for the upcoming months, and to have all the time to emotionally prepare for the coming days.  That was SUPER helpful!  The girls had a great time with their girls, and Daniel and I were able to get the house in order without worrying.  It's been a long, hard weekend, but I'm looking forward to this week.

What are your favorite weekend activities?
On the weekends I really enjoy watching the television shows we've missed all week, catching up on reading, and just hanging out with my family.  We've started a routine of going to my parents' house on Sundays for game time and dinner.  It's a great way to connect and spend some time playing.

Follow Friday- May 18

This week’s statements:

1.       I like to avoid stressful situations if possible.  Lately I just can't seem to handle stress.  That's not actually true.  The truth is that I simple have too much.  I am doing well handling what I know and can anticipate.  Any unexpected stress, though, will put me over the edge.  I've had my fair share of breakdowns this week.  I am SO ready for a nice, boring, routine life where Daniel and I both go to work, come home, and deal with the age-old question of which TV show to watch on Hulu.  It seems like it's been years since decisions like that seemed important.

2.       Patience is a virtue I do not have.  Again I'm not sure this is really true, but it certainly feels that way lately.  I don't do well with the unknown.  After finding out Monday that I don't have a job for next school year, it seems all I've been able to think about is how to secure work.  The good news is that my determination does pay off.  I have three interviews lined up for next week already!

3.       Sometimes the parents are the worst.  I've got to say, this year I discovered that teaching is a lot more than just working with the children.  I knew that, of course, in an intellectual way.  Actually experiencing it, though, was a whole different ball game.  A parent can praise a teacher up one side and down the other one minute only to turn around and file a complaint with the principal the next.  Yep, I've had that happen.  It's all about balancing what is good for the student vs. how much a teacher can handle.  I've been known to give in simply because I didn't have fight left in me and can't get a parent to see the big picture.  In the end I'm okay with that, to be honest.  It is, after all, that parent's responsibility and right to make the decision he or she thinks is best.  

4.       I think that my girls are the best children ever!  This school year especially, my daughters have REALLY had to handle a lot.  Between my health and Daniel's, the girls have had to learn that sometimes things just don't go the way we had planned.  Like all kids, they complain sometimes, but in the end they have really great attitudes.  I hope next year we can provide a more calm and stable environment for them.  This summer I plan to hang out with the girls and let them just be kids.  We'll get daily chores done, but I'm not going to push them to do extra school work, reading, practicing instruments, etc.  I think they need some time to just be kids.

Join the fun!

Scared

Photo Credit

The word that best describes my last month is "scared."  Many times, terrified might even be better.  This month has been filled with one bad event after another.  The good news is that my husband and I DO make a great team, even when the adversity involves ourselves and our mental and physical health.  Somehow we always find a way to make it through even the worst of times.

The first really scary event was Daniel not actually being stable with his bi-polar episodes.  A week or so was really touch and go with him talking to the psychiatrist on a daily basis.  It seems something new and worse than the day before was occurring, and every minute was painful for me.  I wanted so badly to just be able to make things better.  Fortunately the doctor seems to have found the right combination of drugs, and Daniel is doing well again.  Unfortunately, however, the drugs will cost us $900 a month unless we can get financial assistance or I find a job with insurance coverage.

The brings up the next issue.  I found out on Monday that I not only don't have a full time job lined up for next year- I don't have a job PERIOD.  You can read the post here that explains it all.  Yep, the job I was counting on to get us where we need to be has been pulled out from under me.  I cannot explain how upset I am about the level of effort I put into this job only to find out I wasn't nearly as valued as I believe I should have been.

Finally, this past month has been incredibly difficult with my own mental state.  It turns out my thyroid levels were REALLY whacked!  I had actually gone to the doctor to be treated for the depression I had been experiencing and, more importantly, the anxiety attacks that were coming more and more often.  While I was there I decided that I would get my thyroid levels checked, even though it was almost two months earlier than my annual blood draw would be due.  I think we were all shocked when the results came back.  The doctor jumped my medication up two doses.  Long story made short.... I don't actually have depression or anxiety disorders.  My thyroid just needs some time to get adjusted.

I'm hoping next month my word will be "relieved."  We'll see what happens.  Daniel is doing absolutely FANTASTIC on his new course of medication and things are starting to look better for me on the medication front as well.  What we really need to get taken care of is the job situation.  Keep your fingers crossed!



I picked this post as my "Best in Blog Monday" post because it really covers everything my family has gone through this month.  It's been a wild one, but we've made it through with as few scars as possible!

In Order of Importance

Photo Credit

My ranking:

1.  Health

2.  Love

3.  Happiness

4.  Money

5.  Fame

Wow, this was actually really hard to rank.  Many of these go hand-in-hand for me.  I do believe that without our health, however, we can't truly enjoy the rest.  Then again, when I didn't have my health love certainly made up the difference.  The first three really can be interchangeable, depending on the circumstance.

Money is important simply because we can't get the things we need in life without having a source of income.    Everything we do in society revolves around money.  Without making our rent payment we couldn't even do the "free" activities because we would be too worried about where we were going to sleep and how we were going to eat.  I don't need a whole lot to live on, but I'm not going to lie and tell you I don't care about money at all.  It IS essential to our daily lives.

Fame on the other hand.... I really don't give a care about fame.  As long as my family knows who I am, that's the important part.  My husband and children all think I'm terrific.  They would all rather have me here than any celebrity.  In many ways I have all the fame I could ask for!

Utter Disgust

Well, today is the day I give up on being loyal to anyone other than my husband and immediate family.  I say that somewhat in jest, but part of me is completely serious.  I cannot believe how many times I have given my heart and soul, put my blood, sweet, and tears into something, just for it to turn around and bite me in the butt.

Yesterday I found out that I do not have a job for next school year.  Not only did I find this out after pushing the principal for the information, but I found out 20 minutes before I started teaching for six straight hours.  No break to compose myself, no chance to lose control and let it all sink it.  I think it finally hit me this morning.

When I got hired as a part time teacher at the beginning of this school year it was knowing that the job "should" turn into full time for next year.  I also knew it depended on the numbers for enrollment and where the school went as far as expansion.  Throughout the school year, however, I have been encouraged over and over again. I went to a conference in September, that I didn't get paid for, because I showed "potential" for continued employment.  I was continuously praised for a job well done.  Then, in January, we got a new principal.

Even with the new administration I was encouraged and felt secure.  The bomb was dropped yesterday because I finally asked straight out about contracts, which had been promised by the end of April.  That's when the principal told me that the enrollment numbers just weren't what they had hoped for and a full-time job was extremely unlikely.  In his own words I need to "start putting in applications" at other schools.

They MAY be able to offer me the position I had hoped for, but they won't know until June or July.  Ummmm.... schools are hiring NOW.  If I wait until June or July I will be out of luck.  A lot of good that's going to do.  IF I am not employed by the time they are ready to make a decision, the principal will be calling me to offer a job, but more than likely it will be part-time at LESS than the number of hours I am working now!

I understand that even schools, especially charter schools, are businesses.  My principal knew, though, that I NEED full time work next school year.  He could have given me a heads-up for next year so I could have gotten a jump start on putting in applications.  I was stupid, though.  In March and early April there were TONS of jobs posted on educational boards.  Now, not so much.  But, I was stupidly loyal, stupidly thinking that I was secure, stupidly believing I was doing the right thing by trying to stay in one place and build a career.

Well, I've learned my lesson.  I won't be giving my all to anyone who doesn't give me the same consideration.  I'm tired of bending over backward trying to prove myself.  I AM worth so much more!

At This Moment

At this very moment the thing I want the most is what I've been desiring for over a year now.  I want my body to feel GOOD.  I know I will never have perfection.  There are just too many unanswered health problems and too much damage from previous injuries to ever think I won't be in some level of pain.  But.... I want to wake up and feel like myself.  I want to smile and for it to be real, not a forced positive attitude.  I want to get through a day without feeling like a truck has run me over.  I want to stand and hug my husband until he is ready to let go, not wiggle out from under him because my body just can't handle standing in that position for one moment longer.  I want to be free.... free to run.... free to dance.... free to exercise... free to play.  I want to be ME.

 

On My Mind

Photo Credit

So much has been on my mind lately that I'm not quite sure where I've been landing most often.  I guess immediately is work.  Will I be offered a contract for next school year?  Will it be one I am pleased with and will be looking forward to?  I've heard that next year's incoming students from the elementary school are a little tough to handle.  This year was hard enough.  Will I be able to stand up to parents while at the same time keeping them happy, therefore keeping my boss satisfied?

All of these questions run around in my mind as I realize we only have two weeks left of this school year.  We are so close to being done, yet there is still so much to do.  This week I am working on helping the students put together memory books.  It's a nice way to review concepts, give the children something to take home, and to be honest, to kill a week that I won't have graded assignments.  I will have plenty of time to grade the late assignments coming in and review the students' grades to make sure everything is set for report cards.  All that will be left is to enter the final exam grade once I give a score to their projects.  

To be honest, everything in my life right now seems to be up in the air.  My health problems... Daniel's health challenges...  our financial status for the summer... it all seems so heavy.  I'm trying not to dwell on the negatives of any of this.  I'm trying to remember that everything will be okay in the long run.  Daniel and I are both working toward a more healthy body and mind, and the money always seems to work itself out in the end.  Now I just need to figure out how I'm going to make it through eight weeks with two preteen daughters cooped up for the summer!

Today

I found these beautiful illustrated questions at Marc and Angel Hack Life and thought they would make wonderful blog prompts.  I sure hope Marc and Angel don't mind me sharing these with you!

I can't believe that a year ago today I was sitting in the chair at our townhouse wondering if I was ever going to walk like a "normal person" again.  I was using a walker to get around and could not really get out of the house for longer than an hour at a time.  I didn't know if I would ever teach, ever work, ever participate in "real life" again.  A year ago today there was a whole lot I couldn't do.

In the last year I have regained most of my bodily functionality, though I still can't walk long distances or run at all.  Maybe, just maybe, I will get that back.  We recently found out that my thyroid medication was WAY off.  On top of causing some serious anxiety, minor depression, and extreme periods of fatigue, the thyroid MAY be able to explain the pain in my legs and feet.  It's a long shot, but one I am excited about exploring.

Home- A Short Story

I'm linking up with Write on Edge.  Today I am bringing back a short story I wrote last year.  I wanted to share this post because ironically, we moved back into the house that inspired this story.  It was, in fact, just the way I remembered.  The plot of this story is completely fiction.  The details of the home, however, were written from memory.  Enjoy!


This story began as a wring prompt from StoryaDay.org. It's been challenging to use prompts, but it's also been rewarding to see myself stretch as a writer. As long as I'm having fun, that's what matters to me! Please be sure to see all my short stories on the "Short Story" tab at the top of my blog.

The prompt:

Why not write a story with a strong sense of place? At some point in the story, imagine you are a tour guide, pointing out the landmarks and notable features of your setting to me, your eager audience.

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The story:

Home

by Karen Lockinger Greenberg

Sherri always knew she wanted to be a real estate agent. Her aunt had been one. So had her cousin. She grew up watching her family answer first pages, then cell phone calls anytime the devices beckoned. Thanksgiving dinners were interrupted, birthday parties were abandoned by the guest of honor, Halloween costumes bordered on professional "just in case." Sherri never saw her aunt or her cousin complain. They picked up their phones with smiles on their faces and dollar signs in their eyes. The opportunity to sell a house and make a hefty commission was never passed up.

Today, for the first time, Sherri would get to experience that excitement first hand. When the phone rang at quarter till seven in the morning, Sherri responded positively. "Yes," she exclaimed. "I can meet you at the house in two hours. I'll be there!" Sherri rolled out of bed, hurried to the shower, and dressed in the outfit that made her feel most confident. Sherri was about to sell a house!

As the potential buyers walked up the front drive Sherri announced, "This front yard may be smaller, but it has a lot of potential. That small grassy area is perfect for spreading out 'reindeer food' on Christmas Eve. The glitter sparkles in the light of the porch lamp beautifully. You will notice a brick on the border that is a little loose. That's easy to fix up, though. We can have the sellers handle that before you move in. Or you can leave it just the way it is. It's perfect for hiding a spare key under."

"Let me tell you about the neighbors. Across the street is a young couple who are a little strange, but they're fun to hang around with. I think they are probably your age. They don't have children, either. I bet you would make fast friends. On the left here, is a family of four. The parents are also about your age, and they are really fun to hang around. They like to BBQ, and they are more than generous. If you need anything at all, just holler. I promise they'll help you out. Don't bother with the woman on the right, though. She's kind of a hermit, and she has so many cats you'll think she is running a shelter. "

Wow, thought Jason. This is one extremely prepared real estate agent. I'm not sure I really NEED all this information.

As the group entered through front door, Sherri started again with gusto. "This home is set up in a great-room style. This here is your entry way, living room, and dining room all together. It can get somewhat annoying to try to figure out how to use the space, but it sure is great for parties."

Okay, Jennifer thought, a slight frown appearing on her face. I thought she was supposed to be trying to sell the house, not pointing out it's flaws.

Sherri continued with the grand tour. "You will note the color of the walls is an interested brown, sort of green. The neat thing about these walls is they sort of change color, depending on the time of day and the lighting. The gorgeous drapes across the sliding glass door here in the back accents the walls perfect. With the green backdrop and golden brown hues of the embroidered curlicues, you couldn't ask for a better window treatment. That one will be staying with the house."

The couple shared a glance, and Jennifer gave Jason a nervous smile. Both were thinking the same thing- their real estate agent had lost her mind. They continued, both being overly polite, aware that this wasn't the house for them but not knowing how to cut off Sherri's monologue.

An hour passed, with Sherri pointing out each and every characteristic of the home. The Pergo floors were mentioned for their ease to clean, the refrigerator for how great it held child artwork. The bedrooms were noted for their ability to handle phone, internet, and cable in each (that was one aspect Jason DID appreciate).

Finally, the tour ended in the last available room- the master bedroom. Sherri opened the door with a sigh. "This room," she started, "is the master bedroom. It fits a full-sized bed perfectly, though a queen size would nestle in nicely." At the word nestle tears started to stream down her face. "This room is the perfect place to start your family." A sob escaped Sherri's mouth before she even knew she was crying.

"Sherri, are you okay?" asked Jennifer.

"I'll be alright. Just give me a minute, okay?" Sherri knew she was being extremely unprofessional. Apparently she had not taken the time she needed to say good-bye after all.

Sherri dropped to her knees and leaned against the neatly made bed. "I woke up in this very bedroom this morning. I dressed, drove around the block so you would think I was coming from somewhere else, and I met you outside. I'm not quite ready to give up my house, though. My ex-husband and three children moved to Las Vegas last month. I'm just not ready to say good-bye."

Jason and Jennifer silently left the room, Jennifer softly touching Sherri's shoulder on the way out of the room in sympathy. They let themselves out and got into their car. Jason let out a sigh of relief, "Well, I guess we need to keep looking for another house."

"Yep," Jennifer agreed. "And a new real estate agent."

Peace

Not much has brought me peace lately, but this very moment I am finding it in my home.  Daniel is in the kitchen with the girls.  All three are cooking dinner and doing a little bit of cleaning.  Since I just got home from work I am sitting, relaxing for a few minutes.  At this very moment in time, all is right with the world.  Sometimes the daily ins and outs of life, the routine, the mundane, can be the most comforting of all.

Follow Friday- May 4

1. I can't stand it when people say "I know how you feel" when they haven't had my experience.  I know people are trying to be nice- I really do.  And, for the most part I appreciate that they are trying to empathize.  However, unless you've been in my shoes you really DON'T know how I feel.  Whatever comes after that phrase is usually some tip that is really not helpful to me.  I would rather hear, "That really sucks" sometimes.

2. If you are going to throw up please go home.  Seriously, I don't understand why people come to school sick.  The other day the school secretary wasn't sure she was going to make it through the day.  Go home and rest!  I understand work ethic.  I really do, and I admire a strong one.  But, we need to be more understanding of employees and make it okay to be home when we really need time off.  Then there was the kid walking through the hall saying she knew she was going to throw up at some time throughout the day.  Yes, I want you in class as often as possible.  School IS important.  But I really don't want to deal with sick kids, either.  Stay home if you are not well!  

3. Call me a bad mom because I let my girls have sleep-overs two weekends in a row and ENJOYED the peace both evenings!  I really do feel somewhat guilty about this, though I know that Daniel and I needed this quiet time.  Both weekends the events were unplanned, so Daniel and I just kind of hung around the house watching TV and regrouping.  Both weekends it's been so nice to wake up and get moving at my own pace.  I love my girls, and I love spending time with them, but their pre-teen attitudes have been hard to handle lately. They fight from the time they wake until after they are in bed.  I think we've all enjoyed some time to ourselves, and this week Amber was with Grandma.  I'm sure she's not feeling like she's missed out on anything!  Andrea is already getting to that age where she doesn't want to be home much, anyway, and she was with close friends of ours so I know she was well cared for.

4. If I had a dollar for every time I heard how great I'm doing or how strong I am , I swear I'd be a millionaire by now.  This goes along with #1.  I know people are trying to help and don't know what to say.  I know they are trying to encourage me, and on most days it feels good.  There are days, however, when I DO want to feel sorry for myself, just like I'd feel for anyone else in my situation.  I haven't always shared every detail of what is happening with me, so it's hard to know what is actually happening for me.  To tell you the truth, I'm falling apart.  I don't feel strong at all.  I do what I have to in order to get through life.  I've stopped talking about still being sick myself because I'm just frustrated with it.  That led to its own set of problems that I'll write about soon.  Then Daniel's diagnosis came.  Yeah, I've got a lot on my plate, but I'm doing nothing more than anyone else would.  I struggle a lot much of the time.  I definitely don't feel as strong as people give me credit for.  Then I just feel miserable that I could be doing better.  It's a vicious cycle.

Musing Mondays- April 30

This week’s musing asks…

Do you listen to audiobooks? If not, why not? And, if so, what has been one of your favorites, so far?

Well, it's a little past Monday by the time I've gotten to this, but I wanted to answer it anyway.  I DO listen to audiobooks.  I LOVE them!  I honestly think the only way I can stand my drive to and from work sometimes is by getting involved in a story.


Okay, so I only drive about 20-30 minutes each way, but if you know me you know how much I HATE driving.  Audiobooks provide a good experience and help me to arrive to work feeling like I've already done something productive and peaceful.  I have found, however, that I can only listen to audiobooks while I am driving.  If I try to listen to them while doing chores or walking my mind takes off somewhere on its own and I miss a lot of the story.  Driving provides just enough need to concentrate that I can stay in the moment.


My favorite audiobook is usually the last one I've listened to.  Seriously, if it was a book I would have read anyway, listening to the audiobook is exciting because I can get through it quickly and can be reading another book during my evening routine.  I love that.  There are many books that I've chosen, though, that sound like they have a great plot but are not something I would usually pick up.  These are fun because it IS something different.

It Couldn't Be Done- A Short Story

This is a post from last year, but I wanted to share it.  Welcome "Write on Edge" friends!

The May 1st story prompt from StoryADay was to write "a story that contains the line “They said it couldn't be done." I'm definitely a little behind in writing this one, but it caught my attention. The following is a story about one girl who is constantly told that her dreams won't come true.

Image found on Google Images

It Couldn't Be Done

by Karen Lockinger Greenberg

Susan had always dreamed of running a kennel for golden retrievers. It wouldn't just be any kennel, though. This one would be special. It would include the standard boarding facility, of course, but it would also serve to educate the public. In Susan's eyes "Golden Girls.... and Guys, Too!" would be perfect. There would be classrooms, demonstration rooms, and rooms set aside to help the golden retrievers who needed rescuing. Susan knew a thing or two about needing to be rescued.

When she was 12-years-old, Susan told her mother about her plan. "That's nice," her mother had replied. "Where are you going to get the money for this project of yours? It just can't be done. Don't forget to sweep the kitchen after you finish your homework."

In her freshmen year of high school, Susan's English teacher gave the class an assignment. They were to write about how they saw their lives in the year 2000. Most of the class would be turning 50 that year. Susan wrote a beautiful description of "Golden Girls... and Guys, Too!" She was devastated when she got her paper returned with an 89 percent- a B.

"I'm not quite sure what was wrong, Mrs. Bradley," Susan said when she was talking with her teacher about the grade.

"You were told to write a realistic portrayal of where you will be when you are 50-years-old. This is a nice fantasy- a wonderful dream- but it's just not going to happen. You would need to win the lottery AND have an entire staff of volunteers to pull something like this off. It just can't be done."

Susan crumpled the paper and threw it into the gutter on her way home. She didn't even feel guilty about littering. She simply walked on, wiping the tears that fell from her eyes. When she got home her mother asked how she had done on her paper.

"I got a B."

"You know.... if you tried just a little harder you could be a straight A student. Maybe next time you should put a little more effort into your writing. Don't forget to wash the dishes before you go to bed tonight. Stop all that silly day dreaming about that kennel. You know it's never going to happen."

Susan moved along, working her part time job at the veterinarian clinic down the road on weekends and holidays, always keeping her plan in the back of her mind. The veterinarians agreed that the idea was fantastic, but it just wasn't realistic. On the days Susan wasn't working at the clinic she babysat for the neighbors. She wasn't a social girl, and the trivial parts of life that excited the other young ladies her age just didn't interest her.

When Susan was in her final year of high school she decided that she was going to take an art class. The final exam was to design a dream home. Susan went above and beyond, putting her heart and soul into the project. She sketched the entire complex where "Golden Girls.... and Guys, Too!" would be housed. It had three separate buildings, including the house where she and her future family would live. In her dream, Susan would live on-sight so there would be someone available to check on the dogs at all times of the day or night. It was the perfect arrangement.

Once again, Susan was shocked when she received her grade. Mr. Walker had given her an 85%. Susan was getting used to hearing the same story over and over, and this time was no different. Mr. Walker told her that the assignment had been to design a home. No one in their right mind would live at a dog kennel. It would be too loud, and no one would be willing to work 24 hours a day. The dedication a person would need to live and work in a place like this just doesn't exist. While the complex she had mapped out was beautiful, it simply didn't fit the instructions given. Susan nodded her head in understanding and walked away feeling defeated. No one would ever understand and support her dream.

As the class of 1968 prepared to graduate the following year, Susan looked back at the life she was leaving behind. There was nothing really memorable in her high school experience. She had gone a few dates, attended a few of the festivals and fund raisers, and was present in classes, but nothing really sparked Susan's interest. Nothing drove her into the future.

When Susan finally did graduate, the valedictorian gave a speech about living out dreams. He went on and on about not giving up, to find mentors to help guide the graduates through life, and to see the future as bright and rosy. Right, Susan thought. I've tried that with no luck. Give me a plan that will actually work. Something that sounds more like: Live your life doing a job that doesn't require you to think, give everyone else your time and money, but don't expect anything in return, and don't ever, ever consider doing something that might actually take some creative action. Apparently THAT is what life REALLY looks like after graduation.

Susan continued to work at the veterinarian clinic through college and her own veterinarian school days. Eventually she took over the clinic from Dr. Malone. He was getting older and was ready to retire. He couldn't think of a better vet than Dr. Jankowski to take over the practice that he spent his life building. As he was leaving, he asked Susan an important question. "Dear, you are being given a beautiful office with all the clients you need. You're really not going to need to advertise or have any of the costs other young veterinarians are going to run into. Why don't you move out of that tiny apartment you're living in and find yourself a home that you can be proud of?"

"I have other plans," Susan replied. "I appreciate your thoughts, Doctor, but I... well, I just have other plans."

A few years later Dr. Malone came by to visit. "Susan, it's so great to see you. What have you been up to?"

"Oh, you know, a little of this, a little of that. I've been working with some Golden Retriever rescue groups, volunteering when I can. It's been wonderful to be part of the community."

"That's mighty generous of you. I noticed that you are giving the groups some discounts here in the clinic, too. You really do have a passion for Goldens. You have a heart of gold, dear."

Susan blushed as she received the compliments from her mentor and friend. She never went into this business expecting praise. She just wanted to be around animals, beings that seemed to understand her more than any human every would.

"Let me ask you, dear," Dr. Malone said, "have you purchased yourself a beautiful house on the hill yet?"

"Nope. I still live in my apartment. Just the way I like it. I told you," here Susan's voice got lower, "I have other plans."

The seasons changed and clients came and went, but Susan's favorites still remained the Golden Retrievers. She spent her weekends volunteering at rescue group events, raising money for the groups and talking to people about the dogs. She was always talking to people, educating them, raising awareness, and showing her passion for the dogs she fell in love with as a young girl.

Susan's 20 year class reunion came and went without her. She just didn't see a need to send time with a bunch of people she hadn't cared for then and honestly didn't care how they were doing now. She was secure in the fact that she was successful and happy; she didn't need to prove that to the world. When the rumors were flying about her not being there, only one former classmate stood up for her. "Actually Susan is now Dr. Jankowski. I take my dogs to her clinic on 5th Street. What she's doing in life would put you to shame." Jennifer wouldn't say any more and walked away quietly.

Another 12 years passed, and mailboxes all over the country started to be filled with beautiful cream colored invitations. Each envelope read, "Happy 50th Birthday from your classmate at Woodburn High. Please join me for the biggest birthday bash and class reunion ever on Saturday, November 2nd at 1:00 pm. You won't want to miss this celebration!"

Curious as to who was throwing the party and why they chose the year of their 50th birthday, most of the Woodburn High class of 1968 sent in a positive response on their RSVP card. Susan couldn't have been more thrilled. For the first time in her life, she had their attention. SHE was going to be the star of the show.

November 2nd came, and it was a beautiful fall day. The air was crisp, and the temperature was perfect. Susan took her dogs out for a run before returning to her home to prepare for the party. After her run, she set out platter upon platter of food, made sure everything was ready, and got dressed. As she sat back to await her classmates' arrival, Susan remembered all the times she was pushed to the side. She wasn't going to be on the side today.

At 3:00 the door bell started to ring. Susan had set up the party to begin at her house. She would show the guest the surprise after everyone was there. The house was perfect for a party. It had a huge living room and a kitchen that was the dream of every amateur chef. Guests were mingling, telling stories of "the good old times," and filling up on the finger foods set out as an appetizer. The main meal would come after the surprise.

"Excuse me, everyone," Susan rang a small bell to get her guest's attention. She nervously went on as whispers quieted the group. "Thank you for coming today. This year marks the time when most of us will be turning 50-years-old. Together we went through high school, and though we have moved on to our own lives, we have one thing in common. We all have had a chance to explore the hopes and dreams we had when we were young. Some of us have reached those goals that we had set. Many of us changed our ideas and lived a completely different life. A few are still working on choosing a direction- and that's okay, too. The important part is that we all realize that we have dreams and that we chase after them once we decide how badly we want them to come true."

Susan stopped to take a sip of her soda. She nervously exhaled and continued, "In our freshman year of high school Mrs. Bradley gave us an assignment. You may remember it, you may not. It is because of that paper, though, that you are all here today.

She asked us to think about where we wanted to be when we were 50-years-old. If you remember that paper, ask yourself how much of it has come true. Are you happily married like you wrote? Many of us are sadly divorced and have moved on to second, and even third, marriages. I bet none of us wrote that we expected to be married and divorced, raising children with ex-spouses half way across the country.

Do you have that dream job you thought you would? About half of us didn't finish college. Are you pulling in the big bucks you expected?

How about the car you drive? Do you have that shiny sports car to zip around town in? I saw an awful lot of Soccer Mom SUVs and mini-vans pulling up."

As Susan spoke she got more and more worked up. The years and years of being told she couldn't do something were starting to wear on her. It showed in her passionate speech to her former classmates.

"Look around you friends. What did you notice as you pulled into the driveway today? Did you observe the 30 parking spaces? What about my neighbors? What neighbors, you ask. I only see commercial buildings to the left and right. Ah, ha. You're starting to understand.

You see, I DID reach my goals. Each and every one. Welcome to the grand opening of Golden Girls.... and Guys, Too." Susan put down her glass in order to wipe her eyes. The volunteers who had been waiting in the building next door came out and started offering brochures to the party guests. One by one Susan's former classmates started to understand. She may have been a nerd "back then," but this was one outcast who had outdone them all.

As Susan's guest returned to eating, drinking, and talking, she looked around, completely in awe that she had pulled this off. "Golden Girls... and Guys, Too" would open it's doors to the first boarder tomorrow. She would see her first veterinarian patient at 8:00 AM. It was all about to happen, just the way she had envisioned when she was just 12 years old. Susan leaned against her kitchen window, looking out to the clinic next door. And to think, she said to herself, they all said it couldn't be done.