I can be really, really stupid sometimes. I swear it feels like I am trying to sabotage myself. Today I did something that I regret in one way but am proud of in another.
The job I was offered yesterday was for a position I'm not technically qualified for yet. The school was going to pay for the exam to get me qualified, and I am certainly willing to study for it and work toward that goal. I took the practice test, though, and I honestly don't think I could pass the actual exam. I just don't have enough education in the field of upper grades history. I'm not good with names, dates, and specifics. I don't teach that way, either. I think the big picture is more important. The rest can be found on the internet, frankly.
In the name of honesty I emailed the principal this morning and told him that I am concerned about my ability to pass the test. I asked if I could please be considered for the elementary position I was originally called in to interview for. His answer was that he needed some time to think about it. I probably just killed my chances to actually have a job in place.
I'm frustrated with myself. When will I learn that giving too much information is a bad thing? I'm too stinking open sometimes. I really hold myself back because of it. I could have just charged ahead and let fate take control. Instead I had to try to be comfortable and secure. I should have just kept my stupid mouth shut.
On the other hand I'm proud of myself. I am able to recognize my limitations. I am always willing to challenge and stretch myself, but I'm also pretty self-aware. I'm not going to put myself in a position where I can be accused of lying or making myself out to be something I'm not. Yeah, I'm a first year teacher with little experience. Given a chance, though, I'll knock your socks off with what I have to offer. I just need to be given that opportunity.
I'm so stupidly confused right now. I was so danged excited last night, and now I'm bummed. I had a second interview this afternoon with the place I really liked Monday. It went okay, but it didn't seem as positive as it did earlier in the week. They said they will "get in touch with me." Maybe I should just go deliver pizzas for a living.
7 comments:
Stop beating yourself up! Sheesh... You'll make it. Just sit back and wait. What more can you do? But stop beating yourself up. I know you will score a great job. You're a kick butt teacher!
Personally, I think you did the right thing. It wasn't fear, it was being reasonable. I think your gut is telling you it's not the direction you want to take. It's ok, something else will work out that is exactly right for you!
I know I'll get something eventually Mira. I just get frustrated. In the end I know I did the right thing for me.
The reality is - this statement says it all "In the end I know I did the right thing for me".
You conducted yourself with integrity, that's honourable. You WILL get the right job
Fi, you are right. It's frustrating that the truth doesn't always get rewarded, but I am proud that I did what I thought was right. If it costs me a job, that just means it wasn't the right one in the first place. Thanks for your encouragement.
Karen, we all have moments of self doubt and especially, when so much is hapening at once it can get very overwhelming. Try ot to let it get to you too much and think of the positive. It was a practice test after all. You'll be able to study for the actual certification!!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will work out in the end. Hang in there.
Thanks Susi,
I really am trying to look on the positive side, but I am also trying to be realistic. Being a perfectionist, taking this test and not passing it would really throw me for a spin. Yes, I could study, but one thing about the professional exams is that they are designed so that you can't study specifically. They give you a broad picture of what the test will look like. It makes sense, since the idea is to test your knowledge in a subject area. The truth is I just don't know enough about the parts of history they want me to. It's okay. In the end something will work out.
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